Another thirty-something male friend and I were talking about things that guys talk about the other night—beer and, I dunno, babes, I guess, and how awesome Hulk Hogan was when we were kids. My lady, who is a few years younger, didn’t have much to add. I’ve heard of Hulk Hogan, she allowed, but why do I know who he is? My friend, still a huge wrestling fan—which, come on dude —was legitimately furious. How do you know who Hulk Hogan is? How do you know the sky is blue? How does your body know to breathe in and out? You just know who he is because he is Hulk Hogan, no further explanation required.
Also, I pointed out, he was all over your gossip blogs for a few years because of his fucked up family life and his idiot kids.
Well, a whole new generation of people are learning about who Hulk Hogan is this week, about his awe-inspiring physique, and that crazy look he gets in his eye when he’s all sweaty and oiled up and really exerting himself, only this time we’re talking about a slightly smaller hogan. Yesterday Gawker’s chief celebrity penis correspondent A.J. Daulerio posted a video of Hulkamania running wild all over a lady-caller:
Up top, you’ll see one minute from the 30 minutes of footage taken of 59-year-old Hulk Hogan, professional wrestler, Real Life American Hero to many, fucking a woman rumored to be the ex-wife of his best friend, a famous radio DJ named Bubba the Love Sponge. This footage was stealthily circulated last April. TMZ reported its existence, The Dirty showed some screen shots, and Hulk lawyered up because he claims he was “secretly filmed.” Last week, a burned DVD copy of Hulk having sex with the woman rumored to be Heather Clem (Bubba’s ex-wife), was delivered to us through an anonymous source. They wanted no payment. They wanted no credit. Their only request was that we watch it. So I did—all 30:17 of it—and hyperbole aside, it’s a goddamn masterpiece.
Today the Hulkster’s lawyer David R. Houston is threatening to sue anyone distributing the video, he’s told TMZ, saying “This tape was made secretly without Hulk’s knowledge or permission. We are going to do everything in our power to figure out who did it. Anyone displaying the tape will be held accountable to the fullest extent of the law.”
I’d like to tell you what the footage entails—fucking, I’m guessing, the specifics of which I can probably figure out on my own—but I honestly have no more interest in watching Hogan have sex than I do seeing Lexington Steele give an opponent a flying elbow off the top rope. On second thought, I do kind of want to see that, but you know what I mean. Go watch it for yourself there and let us know what you think. In the meantime, I think we can all at least be grateful that the video in question was of the gristly old prune-like boulder in a dried-out skin sack retirement age athlete instead of his daughter, which is probably the first and last time I’ll ever write that sentence.