Culture

How to Eat Tic Tacs, Smoking Too Much Pot, Breast Milk Cures Gayness and Other Ways We Were Stupid Today

Culture

How to Eat Tic Tacs, Smoking Too Much Pot, Breast Milk Cures Gayness and Other Ways We Were Stupid Today

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There’s a right way to open a Tic Tac case? Hold on, hold on, you mean I’ve been pouring Tic Tacs all over the place, just bathing in a deluge of hardened orange candy-coated shells, rubbing them under my armpits and pulling them though my legs back and forth like a weird dad in the changing room at the public pool this whole time for nothing?

I just didn’t have all the information available to me it seems, because apparently there’s actually an appropriate way to dislodge one pellet of kind-of-ok candy at a time without embarrassing myself in front of everyone in the subway/bus/workplace/place of worship/ball parl like the goddamned uncoordinated boob that I have always falsely assumed myself to be. The thematically-well-named FoodBeast TV has the shocking revelations here in this video “Here’s How to Eat a Tic Tac Like a Boss.”

But wait! There’s more, my fellow depressing simpletons. We’ve also been using ketchup dispenser packets incorrectly as well. This video of theirs from earlier this month breaks new ground in french fry science. Are you shitting me? It has flaps? And you open them? Nothing will ever be the same.

Maybe we’ve been fumbling around like giant walrus-flippered morons this whole time because of all that pot we smoked as children? That’s what a recent study form the journal Proceedings of the National Academies of Science suggests, the LA Times reports.

As they approach their 40th birthdays, adults who smoked marijuana early and often in life face a higher likelihood of sheering off IQ points and performing more poorly on tests of reasoning, attention and memory than those who smoked pot less often, says a new study.

Also, they can’t open them little ketchup shits any good, they said.

All that pot might legitimately be a potential explanation for how many of my gullible friends fell for this story people were passing around on Facebook today, actually. It’s about how Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin is now claiming that breast milk cures “the gay.”

I know it’s easy to believe literally anything these whinnying nincompoops might think, but come on, you guys. No one is that dumb. That would be almost as ridiculous as saying that the human body’s biological mechanisms somehow take into account “authorial intention” when it comes time to critically process the act of forced insemination. Eh, maybe it isn’t so unbelievable after all.

Just in case, and because, as we’ve learned vis a vis the whole Tic Tac and ketchup packet thing, we as a people aren’t so good at, you know, thinking about things, my Boston Globe colleague Michael Brodeur has devised a step by step instruction manual for dealing with situations like this.

Step 1: Read outrageous quote from conservative.
Step 2: Vet quote to ensure that it’s not poorly written satire.
Step 3: Dispense Facebook outrage.
One other tip: Don’t dip your Tic Tacs in ketchup. Probably doesn’t need to be said but who knows with you people.