Culture

How to Be an Alpha Male, According to the Internet

Culture

How to Be an Alpha Male, According to the Internet

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I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but somewhere along the way, I picked up a following among this weird class of neo-conservative man-bloggers, blogging man-ily about important issues facing today’s put-upon manful men. Maybe the poor little fellas followed me home from a certain “hipster racist” site I used to write for? Regardless, I feel like I’ve been walking around with a piece of aggro-toilet paper stuck to my shoe from an innocuous political poop I don’t remember taking.

Being the innocent-until-proven-guilty sort, that means I tend to blindly follow-back the people who follow and re-tweet me and share my links and so forth—it’s just how my grandmother internet-raised me. As a result, I’m continually subjected to posts about the most important issue facing men on the internet today: how to be an alpha male. I had no idea this was such a pressing concern.

It’s hard to say exactly what it is that defines an alpha male, and being someone who couldn’t possibly care less whether or not my masculinity is validated by strangers online (I just want them to think I’m funny and skinny), I haven’t really given the matter much introspection. That’s cute, I’d think, ignoring the progression of post titles in my Twitter feed like Feminism: Contributing Factor to Obesity.

Being something of a masochist, I finally decided to dig into this sub-genre of reasoned cultural commentary to see what lessons, if any, we can discern about the contemporary male. There are so many sites like this, and they’re all interconnected, sharing each other’s bro-talk back and forth, over and over, in a never-ending bro-fisted Ouroboros. And because I want to unload some of the pressure on my brain, I now need to pass the pain of reading them onto you before I die of horror. It’s like that killer video tape from The Ring, but instead of a scared little ghost-girl crawling out of the TV, the villain here is a lonely bro dripping buffalo sauce onto his tits and taking his boner-frustration out on the rest of us.

Here are some key things to keep in mind if you’d like to become an alpha male:

Sluts are slutty

This is a bit confusing, because the primary goal of an alpha male seems to be putting oneself in a position to have sex with as many women as possible. Once sexed-upon, however, these women are no longer viable sex partners. Something called Professor Mentu explains for us on The University Of Man, which doesn’t sound accredited but I’m going to have to check. It’s in Texas, surprisingly.

A man with options would never pay the ultimate price of commit [sic] for a born again virgin fucktoy. A man with options would never let his son’s first home be a womb that has seen more traffic than I-35 during rush hour. A man with options would never allow the first kiss his newborn son receives to come from lips that have hosted lotsa cocka. A man with options would never let his son’s first nourishment come from breasts that can be viewed on any number of cell phone cameras.  A man with options would never let his son’s first throne be the lap of a woman who has been passed around like a blunt at a frat party. A man with options would never be a dickstand for a woman who squandered her youth and beauty on the men who respected her the least. A man with options would never consider being the last man standing at the end of the long line of conquests she racked up while being the Grand Marshal of a rather impressive cock parade.

It seems awfully focused on cock here, but ok, point taken. Alphas want lots of sex, but when it comes time to settle down, they want a virgin. That’s nothing new for men, right? But like everything else in the annals of manliness, it isn’t very well thought out. It reminds me of a scene in some horror movie where the vampires have almost tapped out the supply of human meat in their orgy of feeding, and there’s no one left to prey upon. Should’ve planned ahead better on that one bros, kept a few virgins in the fridge or what have you.

Blowjobs = power
Even more important to an alpha than intercourse is getting a blowjob. Let’s check in with Krauser PUA for some insight on this, in his think piece Don’t trust girls who won’t offer blowjobs.

So long as a girl has one foot outside the relationship, some island of independence and non-submission to your authority, she will remain a flight risk and will be less fun to be with.” Only way to be sure she’s fully on board then is to get her on her knees. “Never trust a girl who wont get on her knees and suck your cock whenever you demand it. Ideally she will proactively offer. Blowjobs, among normal non-slutty chicks, are more submissive and a greater signal of soul-surrender than sexual intercourse. Don’t ever believe a woman who claims she dislikes or is ideologically opposed to putting a man’s cock in her mouth.

Lest you think our man here is some sort of brute, he gives some good advice on how to establish a healthy non-fellatio-based relationship, too.

Girls love to create special secrets that only the two of you share such as pet names, running gags, and predicting each other’s behaviour. She’ll begin pushing a pet name onto you in text messages and beaming with joy when you call her monkeypants or Little Miss Sandwich or a hamster. If she tells you you’re being childish, she’s still got a foot outside.

Woh, what if she comes up with a pet name for your giant dick? That’s like double alpha power right there. Convince your girlfriend to do that, I guess. One way you could achieve that:

Amateur psychology

You’ll probably get sick of her woman-whining before you do her woman-vagining though, am I right guys? That’s why you need a lesson on how to break up with her, like this one from The Alpha Person. The “hope retaining break up,” he says, is a pro-level alpha move.

A hope retaining break up is where you cut things off with a girl in such a way that she still has a reasonable hope that you will return to her so that you are able to continue to sleep with her.  Before you start to get angry and shout about how this is wrong and its manipulating her and stringing her along, let me cut you off and say: This is totally manipulative and it strings her along.  Just know that it wont work forever, and once the jig is up she’ll never speak to you again.

TOO LATE FOR HER THOUGH YOU ALREADY DRANK THAT SHIT DRY.

Violence = dominance = uh, more blow jobs?

Seems like there’s a lot of focus on blow jobs in this boring oeuvre. Here’s Danger and Play on Asserting Ownership.

The question isn’t whether women want to be dominated. The question is whether you are man enough to dominate them. During sex, most men don’t talk. Distracted by feelings of inadequacy, they feel like a new guy at the company: “I’d better not say anything that might fuck this up.” And so the first step towards establishing dominance in your relationship is to talk during sex.

Talking during sex actually isn’t bad advice, to be honest. The rest, though, is, uh…

The easiest way to assert your dominance is to stop asking her what she wants, and start telling her what to do. Issuing commands is a good way to warm her up. Right away you are telling her what to do, criticizing her, and finally praising her. More subtly, you are creating the tone. She exists for your sexual pleasure. She exists to please you. Most women are extremely turned up when a man tells them what to do. In fact, only once has a woman said, “No, I’m not going to change positions.” I stopped, rolled off. “Oh, shit. So you’re into boring sex, huh?” She immediately felt insecure and then did what she was told.

In other words, “this one time I had sex and I told a girl what to do then I wrote about it on the internet.” Cool story.

Irony doesn’t exist

 

Like I said, I don’t have the entire alpha male thing figured out just yet, but one thing I’m pretty sure we can say right off the bat that is generally pretty damned alpha is having access to $150 bucks. Oddly, most of these guys don’t have—what’s it called?—the barest amount of basic self-awareness, so you can see where a plea like this one above, from Alpha Person, would be a problem.

Dominating men helps you on your path toward dominating women

You will be surprised to know that all of these dudes are MMA fans. Because the only thing more hetero-manly than dominating a woman in the bedroom is dominating another man with your big sweaty muscles. Beating someone up is like a metaphorical blow job another straight dude gives you. There’s nothing more alpha than that.

Time machines would be awesome

Contemporary American women are too entitled, what with their cushy school teacher jobs and disinterest in dancing with this one dude I’m about to tell you about. Real women, women like our grandmothers, they knew how to treat a fella: with deference. Check out this one obvious bitch who didn’t even want to dance with this one guy. He had to retreat into the arms of an 89-year-old woman to find what he needed.

Then I ask a 24 year old if she wants to dance.  She says yes, fights me every inch of the way while I’m trying to lead, and then when I want to move across the floor (2 stepping) she says, “no, I don’t want to go out there!” and she walks off the floor telling me to ask her friend to dance in the middle of the bleeping song.

And would it kill some of these women to dress like, you know womenThis poor fella went to the store one night and the women shopping there somehow forgot that every time they leave the house they’re supposed to be offering themselves up to the discerning eye of the alpha male gaze.

Wandering around the store collecting my items I started counting the number of women wearing a sweatshirt and jeans.  Keeping a tally in my head: sweats and jeans 1, something else 0. As the number wearing sweats and jeans continued to rise and the number of something else stayed at zero, I started to become bemused.  Finally as I walked out the door I saw one little girl, probably about five, wearing a dress.  Just one out of two dozen or more….in our modern feminist utopia and overly casual society, women have lost something important.  Just as the trad-cons are always chirping that men need to man up, it is time to turn that tired meme on its ear and reply that women need to do their part too.  Women need to dress and act more feminine for in that they will realize their true power and happiness….A truly feminine woman in appearance and attitude is so rare these days.  When I do see one it is guaranteed to turn my head.

A real alpha just wants women to be happy, you see. Not comfortable, of course, but happy.

Cry about every fucking thing on your blog

Our man from the store above closes out his post with a little advice for the ladies on how to act. “The rest is personality and attitude,” he says. “Hard, bitchy, competitive, angry, rude, and conniving behavior is extremely unflattering. Acting like the world is out to get you and you’re perpetually a victim doesn’t help either.”

Solid advice, bro. Solid advice indeed.

 

Tell Luke O’Neil he’s a pussy on Twitter.