I’m Lady Gaga’s biggest fan. I own all her songs legally, can’t sleep without watching “You and I” or get out of bed without hearing “Applause.” I am so connected to her on such a deep level that my scalp burns when she gets double proccessed. That being said, I’m not going to ArtRave.
I’ve been to two of her concerts. First, Deceber 2010 in Milan, when I was coming down from MDMA after not sleeping for days, waiting outside in the snow in only a leotard and wig my boss gave me (we were close). Before the performance I sat in the parking lot drinking a bottle of champagne I found on the ground, alone. During the show I cried, not with joy, but because my seat was at the very top while the guy I loved was front-row center with another girl. In other words, I was devastated, though devastatingly chic.
This spring, I made up for that experience at NYC’s Roseland Ballroom, where I was in the press area, close enough to see Gaga’s pores, with my drunk lover beside me. On top of that, I became friends with her vomit artist (I’m friends with all my exes and interviews). She told me she’d get me backstage and when she didn’t, I was actually relieved. I realized I shouldn’t pay to see my idols as a fan. I need to put myself on their level.
That’s why I’ve started watching basketball. After a few games I’m convinced you can reach your goals, if you watch others score them.
WHY THE PLAYOFFS ARE BETTER THAN ARTRAVE
Variation: Costume changes are exhausting. A more reasonable shift is at half-time the goals are switched, which is just enough to keep you confused.
Performance: People go to concerts for public sex and drugs, not tunes. I only went to shows back when I couldn’t listen to the bands on Spotify. Until they start releasing albums of shoe-squeaking, whistle blowing and fighting, I want the real thing on the court.
Snacks: Moschino may have made fast food cheap&chic but eating at concerts is only acceptable for diabetics, weird uncles and stoners. You can’t stuff your face with simple carbs and gluten when your thinspiration is standing right there in a thong. At games you’ve got to eat if only to compete with the smell of those chili cheese fries from the guys beside you. Luckily this isn’t a beer and hot dog situation, basketball stadiums have endless hallways full of cuisine choices you’ve only seen in Spirited Away.
Drinks: At concerts I’m too focused on dancing coordination to get smashed. At basketball games all I to do is sit listening to men yell their insecurities at strangers. Intoxication blurs their voices in your head until eventually they’re screaming, “I wanna be that G.U.Y!”
Rivalry: The only competition at a Lady Gaga show is whichever background dancer touches Mother Monster’s crotch gets first dibs on the poppers backstage. That’s impossible to keep track of because they all touch her crotch. You know what’s easy to get into? Brooklyn Nets versus Canada Raptors = Jay Z versus Drake!
Celebrities: Watching celebrities perform on stage is humiliating for everyone involved but running into them is so ciao. This week I chatted with Dev from Blood Orange in Whole Foods and now I’m the most popular girl in the produce section. Last week I attended the same game as Beyonce, Jay Z and Rihanna and now I’m the most popular girl in my head!
Fans: Little Monsters are embarrassing. This “Art Rave” theme only means you’ll be rubbing butts with Burners and Parsons dropouts. Basketball fans are pretty chill because they’re usually old and rich. They aren’t psychotic like football fans or brain dead like baseball watchers. They won’t burn your car if their team loses, but Little Monsters will when they read this (*thanks Gaga I can’t drive*).
Walls: Basketball is air-conditioned, seated and indoors. It’s basically the Met Gala. Yes, there are seats at most concerts but we all know sitting while your friends twerq means you won’t be sitting with them Monday at lunch.
Kiss Cam: There’s a special place in hell reserved for men who propose in public, but the big screen has lots of potential, like when it shows celebrities in the crowd. It should only do that or play Lady Gaga videos.
STRESS: You haven’t seen straight men so hopeless since you made your boyfriends wait outside your dressing room at Victoria’s Secret. Unfortunately, you can’t afford underwear every time you want to torture them. Here you get to see thousands cry for the price of one buying you a ticket!
Bathrooms: Fewer women than men = shorter bathroom lines for once in our lives.
Pricks: If you get bored you can entertain yourself by guessing the dick size of the players. We’ve already seen pictures of Gaga’s so there’s no fun in that.