There have been some truly horrifying renditions of “The Star-Spangled Banner” splooshed into the patriotic shitter in the song’s ignominious history, from Michael Bolton to R Kelly, to 85% of every single other time it’s ever been sung. The trick of it is, no matter how much confidence you have, no matter how much natural singing talent, or how many times you’ve been in front of a big crowd, there’s something about its octave range, or its archaic language that gets people shook. Maybe it’s often just the trumped up pomp of the moment.
The only hope anyone has of mastering it then, is to simply not give any sort of recognizably human emotive fuck. Roseanne Barr perfected this concept, but we now have a new entry to go alongside hers in the annals of history from erstwhile Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil.
Neil, hilariously described as “a horny soup dumpling filled with Cialis and Monster energy drink” by Vice’s David Roth, sunk to the occasion at a recent game played by the Las Vegas Outlaws, an arena football team he is an owner of, because why wouldn’t he make a sound financial investment like that. Perhaps feeling unmanned by the solemnity of the occasion — the gyrating cheerleaders dancing to the stripper national anthem “Pour Some Sugar On Me”, or the motorcycles driving around on the field just moments before — Neil, in the shadow of a military color guard, and escorted by two chicks at the same time man, considers the task before him, takes a moment to reflect, and says, you know what, I’m just gonna improv this one through and see how things shake out.
It’s…it’s not good.