Here Are 31 Terrible Puns About Morrissey Getting Groped by the TSA


Here Are 31 Terrible Puns About Morrissey Getting Groped by the TSA


Earlier this summer, Morrissey, dour, forsaken arbiter of woe and 7th chords before the chorus, alleged that he had been sexually assaulted by TSA agent in the security line at the airport in San Francisco. Through a Freedom of Information Act request, Gawker has acquired the security footage of the interaction, during which, the singer claimed, the jack-booted factotum of oppression and shoe-removal had “crouched before me and groped my penis and testicles” among other things. Check out the break down of the events here.

As is the case with any story involving Morrissey, there is, of course, ample material among his many albums, both solo and with The Smiths, from which to construct all manner of punning headlines. To save time for the music blogs of the world who’ll likely be commenting on this story, here all all of them.

Boner Drag

Dicadilly Pilare

The Hand That Cradles My Rocks

Hand In Latex Glove

Let You Get Your Hands On My Mammary Glands

I Was Detained I was Waylaid

The Boy With the Hand In His Boxer Briefs

The Head-Touching Ritual

Something Is Squeezing My Junk

(I’m) The End of the TSA Security Line

Searching Your Pants For Your Arsenal

Down The National Front Of Your Trousers Disco

He Knows I’d Love to See His Penis

You’re Gonna Need Someone on Your Backside

Hold on to Your Friends’ Pants

Why Don’t You Find Out for Yourself

Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning, TSA Agent Feeling My Rear Cleavage

Speedo Way

A Rush and a Push and We’re Still In This Foul Security Line

The Boy Flier

You Should Have Been Nice to Me

Wide to Receive

He Cried

I’ve Changed My Plea to You’re Guilty


Irish Blood, English Thong

I Will See You in Far-Off Places, Provided That The Damned TSA Allows Me on the Plane

Don’t Make Fun of Daddy’s Sexual Harassment Complaint

San Francisco Air Disaster 2015

I Knew I Was Next When the TSA Brute Waved Me Through the Blasted Cancer Device