Culture

Help Wanted: Sinead O’Connor’s Inexplicable Twitter-Quest for the Perfect Back Door Man

Culture

Help Wanted: Sinead O’Connor’s Inexplicable Twitter-Quest for the Perfect Back Door Man

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Never afraid to ruffle a few feathers, late 80’s-early 90’s icon Sinead O’Connor has recently taken to Twitter in search some good old fashioned lovin’ and a little action from the back section, (yeah, we’re talkin’ anal) leaving us to debate whether she’s making an (ill-advised) feminist statement or is just a bored mom with too much time on her hands. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

To refresh our younger readers’ memories, Ms. O’Connor was once a budding Irish singer-songwriter, armed with a shaved head and some serious (and totally justified) anger about the prevalence of pedophilia in the Catholic church. In 1990 she had a major hit with the career-defining “Nothing Compares 2 U” (written by Prince) and ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL, but has spent the last twenty years or so raising four children and making music that goes mostly unnoticed in the U.S. She’s pretty much stayed out of the media spotlight since then, although she did pop up briefly in 2000 to announce “I’m a dyke” (a statement she retracted almost immediately), has written several newspaper articles over the years, and made headlines earlier this summer when she showed up to play a music festival in a shockingly unflattering ensemble (see photo above) – let’s just say she isn’t aging as well as Sade.

Then, about a week and a half ago, Sinead started using her website and Twitter account to bemoan her unbearable lack of recent sex, going so far as to solicit interested parties by posting a list of must-have qualities for a potential mate and providing an email address where men were encouraged to respond.

The list read (and I quote):
– Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

– He must be no younger than 44.
– Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
– Must not be named Brian or Nigel.
– Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.
– Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
– Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
– I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

– No hair gel.
– No hair dryer use.
– No hair dye
– Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
– No after shave.
– Must be very ‘snuggly’. Not just wham-bam.
– Must be wham-bam.
– Has to like his mother.
– Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.
– Has to live in own place.
– I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

The qualifications were further amended on Twitter when O’Connor later tweeted:

“Been asked do I ‘do anal’. I insist upon it on regular basis. If u don’t like anal don’t apply. Just being honest.”

Since then, well… things have gotten a little weird.

For the past week there have been almost constant tweets from Sinéad regarding her man-hunt, which have included numerous jokes about taking one (up for the butt) for Ireland courtesy of Prime Minister Enda and Minister for Justice Alan Shatter (a threesome she likened to a butter and mayonnaise Sinéad sandwich – Yuck! What?), comparisons between anal sex and Swan Lake, La Bohème, and a U2 cover band, a casual marriage proposal to Dave Chappelle (yeah, you read that right), and a mention of an aunt with two vaginas. The end result: a huge surge in O’Connor’s number of Twitter followers and a fair amount of media coverage.

On one hand she’s got a point when she tweets things like: “Why isn’t it ok for women to be wild and open and honest about their sexuality?” and “I know. Its a sin for mothers to talk about sex. Unless its missionary.” After all, if Tucker Max is allowed to publish books, why shouldn’t she be allowed to air her graphic (sometimes nauseating) fantasies via Twitter, even though she looks… well, like a mom. But on the other hand, this whole ordeal is painfully uncomfortable to watch – why would any celebrity – no! any woman! – troll the internet for sex partners?! Is there anything more dangerous and unnerving? Even worse, the internet is no place for sincerity, so when I read tweets like “I know I cud get ‘hurt’ being so honest. But not as hurt as I wud get if I accepted life with no sex! Nothing could hurt more!” I cringe uncontrollably.

Given O’Connor’s lack of Twitter presence prior to this, my guess is that the whole thing (which clearly started out as a joke) has accidentally spiraled way out of control. Fine, we get it. Just put down the Blackberry, Sinéad. Delete the app. Walk away before it’s too late. Please. It’s really for your own good.

Or else sign on for a Flavor of Love-type reality show. Those are your options. That is my ultimatum.