This weekend marked the 10th birthday of Twitter, and to commemorate it they’ve put together a stirring, emotional video that highlights some of the most momentous occasions they’ve been there for.
Starting in ?? on 3/21 and moving across the ?, we thank you for 10 incredible years.
— Twitter (@twitter) March 20, 2016
From the Arab Spring, to Black Lives Matter, there’s no question that Twitter has been a tool for spreading the ideals of justice, and bringing us closer together across the globe. But that shit is corny. The real reason we’re all here is to get off these posts. Here are some of my favorite tweets ever. I spent like ten minutes trying to remember them, so I probably forgot most of them.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 14, 2013
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
— slick (@hellaphantitis) October 17, 2014
*gallops through the desolate frontier, looking for the outlaw who killed my pa* lol where the fuck is this guy
— Ermac McCarthy (@thatsnotkosher) January 24, 2014
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
— Liam, again (@LHGarrett) May 17, 2014
Martin omalley you got a children's book ass name. You sound like the mailman in a town where everyone's a bear
— Breakfast Haver (@weedguy420boner) January 17, 2016
me, meeting a friend that I havent seen in many years, and we have grown apart and into different people over that time: whats up bitch.
— Funny website man (@BevisSimpson) May 26, 2015
.@parisreview So is Paris any good or not
— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 9, 2013
@fart shoes look like the guy from the offspring and peg bundy went through the teleporter from The Fly
— David Thorpe (@Arr) February 20, 2015
They say no man is an island, but I know what I saw out there. Islandman is real.
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) June 12, 2013
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie
— viney (@vineyille) March 23, 2015
I have two dead cousins my family never mentions. One tried to crap into the Grand Canyon and the other was the park ranger that tackled him
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) July 5, 2015
yes..i have a girlfriend. she goes to another school pic.twitter.com/pqmBhhp3RN
— treasure✨ (@imteddybless) January 5, 2015
It’s not about having a boner. I’ve had boners all my life. It’s about the next boner—the one you don’t remember yet. pic.twitter.com/PwBzbTUSUf
— Big Sexy Jeb! Lund (@Mobute) May 17, 2015
spend most of my free time thinkin how its so fucked up that some horses are cops
— BIRTHDAY MOONEY (@nataliejmooney) April 10, 2014
*turns to stranger in mcdonalds*
what are u gonna get
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) September 29, 2013
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2015
*crowd in 1889 screaming because I appeared out of thin air and shot a baby* that was Baby Hitler…everyone calm down that was Baby Hitler
— Dollars Horton (@crushingbort) October 23, 2015
I was 17 having dinner w new gf's parents. Pooped. 1st flush didn't take. I got nervous they'd hear a 2nd so I threw the turd out the window
— Luke O'Neil (@lukeoneil47) March 30, 2014
— kept_simple (@kept_simple) September 21, 2015
Letterman:Our next guest is.. a huge piece of shit
[i walk out on stage & am greeted by thundering applause][letterman spits coffee out lol]
— Gym & weed PC guy (@pr0spector88) November 27, 2013
Man, think of how confusing it would’ve been if just the Ghostbusters song was released, no movie.
— Joe Rumrill (@2tonbug) October 12, 2013
Missed connections: you were at the weird al show. I was the guy who leaned over to say “no wonder they call him weird al” after every song
— the good posts guy (@Lowenaffchen) July 27, 2013
*wears a 3 piece suit made of the super loud sun chips bag material* *shows up late to sons piano recital*
— Leroy Penis (@rudetanks) January 19, 2013
yeah lemme get a 12 inch toasted BMT with *slowed down voice* all these hard ass cookies for free
— Ben ”Head Honcho” (@MuscularSon) January 30, 2013
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
— Teddy T (@lizard_wizard77) March 4, 2013
the whole neigjborhood is outside in the street crazy yelling because guy across the street managed to flush a basketball down the toilet.
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) July 28, 2013
HELLO CHICAGO! the crowd goes wild. they love when u say where they live. then he screams specific addresses. everyone fuckin loses it
— TORMBLABLY PIACKEELS (@Tormny_Pickeals) December 7, 2012
all the other guys wearing hawaiian shirts and ponytails are pieces of shit. not me though, i look good and cool. im the cool one doing this
— deg (@degg) July 13, 2013
*pushes past security at museum to get to bach’s piano* *badly fucks up the bassline to seven nation army*
— Ben ”Head Honcho” (@MuscularSon) June 22, 2013
another day volunteering at the betsy ross museum. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the flag. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
— wint (@dril) February 20, 2012
Wow, so they were looking for the third pig all day? Crazy…anyway, my senior prank was Columbine
— Jackson (@tree_bro) July 27, 2011
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
— Mastodan (@dannyhottubs) February 27, 2013
[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) November 21, 2013
the dogs fuckin found out about religion, call the cops. no not the regular cops pic.twitter.com/Pf73O2TSgO
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) January 4, 2014
“Are you sexually active?”
“Any drug use?”
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
— Cool Eric (@OBiiieeee) July 10, 2013
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 19, 2013
*kid runs up to Stevie Wonder after a show and hands him a coke*
*kids walking away dejected*
*throws his sunglasses way too far*
— m. hudson (@michaeljhudson) June 14, 2013
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible
— the good posts guy (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
*sucks on a titty high in the mountains* thanks bitch now return to sea level
— deg (@degg) August 30, 2013
Check this shit out motherfucker [I slide one foot out from under me and fall on my ass, its not clear what kind of move I was trying to do]
— Mike F (@mikefossey) June 20, 2014
wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city* oops wrong drawer *opens other drawer and there’s a gun*
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) March 18, 2014
REPORTER: Mr. President, what's your favorite Wu Tang album?
OBAMA: What kind of question is —
[biden grabs podium]
BIDEN: LIQUID SWORDS
— Blupman (@blippoblappo) April 26, 2014
*Lebron tosses kid his headband*
*Kid tosses it back*
Keep it. You ol barbershop ass corn cob pipe lookin ass motherfucker
— Jesse Big Time (@BronzeHammer) June 19, 2013
me: Carly Rae Jepsen’s new album attains an 80s pop authenticity Taylor Swift could only dream of
ISIS captor: hold on its not recording yet
— Dollars Horton (@crushingbort) August 22, 2015
police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal
— Mike F (@mikefossey) February 12, 2014
hmm well I’d say I’m fiscally conservative but socially very liberal. the problems are bad but their causes…their causes are very good
— Dollars Horton (@crushingbort) May 5, 2014
rappers wit names like “Johnny From The Cookout That One Time” needa think bigger. very few people was at that cookout
— DVS (@DVSblast) February 19, 2014
hitler: im going to kill the jews
hitlers roommate: are u mental?
— deg (@degg) April 20, 2014
[man leans into doorway of WTC bathroom]
“Hey, you gotta finish up in there. 9/11 is happening.”
“Alright. Just a sec.”
— wint (@dril) April 20, 2014
Next, on TLC’s Lunchbox Wanters
RON: Back off, Jim. That box is mine.
[CUT TO INTERVIEW]
RON: No way was I letting Jim get that lunchbox.
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 29, 2014
If a girl breaks up with you and you respond by nonchalantly saying “well that’s a spicy meatball” she will almost always reconsider
boy: are you ok?
girl: Im fine.
boy: Whats wrong?
girl: Im really fine
boy: Are you sure?
girl: Mate my arse is well hairy innit. Mental
— Big-Tity Honker’s (@BikiniBabeLover) November 26, 2013
ME: All human knowledge is accessible through a thing in your pocket
1600S GUY: What’s the shitting situation
ME: Tiny lake in your house
— tinybaby (@tinybaby) June 9, 2015
Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*
— brendle (@brendlewhat) February 4, 2012
Do you guys want me to do a psychic trick for you? Think of something,think really hard don’t tell me what it is.Ok Ready? I Fucking Hate it
— Boyce R. Backintown (@mattytalks) July 13, 2012
STEPHEN A: Skip I want to ADDRESS this issue.
You KNOW I am sensitive to the Holocaust
STEPHEN A: BUT!
— a_fed_irl (@Hegelbon) July 25, 2014
i love how people make fun of the holocaust then when you ask them how they would solve the jewish problem they're like uhhh
— sskylark (@sskylark) March 8, 2014
barack: good morning michelle my wife
michelle: hello obama
— everett byram (@rad_milk) September 30, 2015
JIMMY STEWART IN CORMAC McCARTHY'S "THE ROAD": "Now now me & my boy here are just, just tryna get to the ocean, nothing FAncy or or special"
— Dan O'Sullivan (@Bro_Pair) August 13, 2013
Great news: they made a sequel! pic.twitter.com/3HHxYjeXda
— Jerry Beans (@dogboner) March 3, 2016
im watching pawn stars the show where the fat men are eachothers dads
— everett byram (@rad_milk) May 31, 2013
"Aaand the blonde lady's comforting herself with her fingers, bein' her own husband for a spell."—Old prospector narrates porn for the blind
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) November 21, 2012
dun-dunn dun-dunn dahh-daah dunn…
JUST TAKE THOSE OLD RECORDS OFF THE SHELF… pic.twitter.com/DySsbhUF6z
— Big Sexy Jeb! Lund (@Mobute) July 11, 2013
Bae: come over
Me: Im busy
Bae: my parents arent home
Me: Genie, you're free. RIP Robin Williams pic.twitter.com/2a7t743jDl
— Katt WilliamsFerrell (@KattWillFerrell) November 12, 2014
MATE YOUR AN ABSOLUTE CUNT… AND A PROPER LEGEND
— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) December 4, 2013