Halloween Is for Children And You’re an Embarrassing Nerd If You Dress Up


Halloween Is for Children And You’re an Embarrassing Nerd If You Dress Up


This story was originally published last year.

Halloween isn’t for another 4 days, but based on the number of posts in my newsfeed about it, it’s been going on for over a week already. That makes sense, since Christmas is four months long and birthdays are now birthweeks. There’s something else Halloween has in common with both of those events: the only people who should be excited about them are children.

Scrolling through the photos of the epic parties that I’ve already missed out on so far this season, it looks like Breaking Bad, Miley Cyrus, and Miley Cyrus on Breaking Bad are among the most popular costume choices. The winner this year, however, as it is every single other year, is Try Hard Adult Baby Who Doesn’t Know It’s Not Cute Anymore. (Here’s a complete list of the rest).

Halloween is no different than New Year’s Eve, or St. Patrick’s Day, or whatever other shitty amateur night basic people use as an excuse to act like drunken babies, but it’s worse because everyone is trying so hard to be noticed. If you really want to impress everyone with your arts and crafts skills, you should open a Pinterest account, not stand there at a bar or a party awkwardly shifting the elaborate Rube Goldberg device of shame you’ve erected back down over your nearly-exposed labia.

Yes, regular life is full of drudgery and conformity, so it’s fun to break out of your shell a little bit now and again, but here’s the thing: you can wear whatever you want, wherever you want, literally any night of the week all year round. You don’t have to wait for the official state-sanctioned fun time happy event to add some flair to your typical outfit. Want to show the world your butthole? You can do it every day!  Want to be a vampire with swords for tits? Go for it.

Here’s how most Halloween interactions go:

“Oh hey, what’re you, that one thing we’ve both heard of?”


“Haha, nice.”


“Welp, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way let’s stand here uncomfortably.”

What’s even worse than the people who get really excited about Halloween are the ones just going along for the ride because it’s expected of them. “I don’t want to be the only person at the party not dressed up,” you might think. Well then maybe you don’t want to be at that party in the first place? Hanging out in someone’s kitchen next to the catshit box trying to get a beer out of the fridge with a sexy shark fin attached to your dick isn’t fun. Nor is packing an elaborate five stage Comic-con level robot suit of Pokemon armor into the trunk of a cab, then fumbling for your wallet at the door of a club and every  time you go to order a drink.

All I’m saying is, don’t feel pressured to give into the tyranny of Halloween. If you want to do it, fine, I’m certainly not going to be able to stop anyone, but if you don’t, then don’t. Or if you just want to be subtle about it, you can borrow the same costume I’ve been wearing every year since I went through puberty: a miserable piece of shit that no one wants to hang out with.