Fellas, hear me out fellas. You know how ladies are always shopping? [pause for laughter]
[ten minutes pass people still freaking out]
No, seriously. You know what I’m saying guys. Ladies. Like. To. Shop. This one dude knows. He knows. Well, he would but he’s dead now. He killed himself. This is true. He killed himself because women are fucking awful.
[two hours of laughter. half the audience passes out from exhaustion. ambulances arrive]
This one dude, a Chinese dude, he was shopping, shopping for Christmas presents in a Chinese mall, and his girl would not stop shopping. Would. Not. Stop. So my man here threw his bags on the floor, then threw his body over the balcony and onto the floor, where he died in a pile of bone and guts.
[security guard faints. sound guy pukes.]
And then, you’re not gonna believe this next part, haha, every website in the world shared the story that is totally real and substantiated and provable, because, haha, the headline just sort of says it all doesn’t it?