Hiiiii and welcome back to Girls on GIRLS, the recap that gives more pleasure than a black rabbit-eared dildo. Your fave key-demo white girls—Dana Drori, Fiona Duncan, Sarah Nicole Prickett, Jenna Sauers, and Olivia Fleming—are checking in with HMJS and wondering, what’s real (like Shosh’s puppy-eyes) and what’s not real (Thomas John’s mom’s face)?
HBO aired the episode a day early, and with wine, black licorice, and nachos, we cuddled on the couch and braided each others’ hair (truth) for our version of SuperGIRLS Saturday.
First off, the title of this week’s episode nods to The Lemonheads and we nod right back. Now, to recap: Elijah and his paddlebrush are gone for good, Audrey and Marnie cat it out at Hannah’s ‘grownup’ dinner party, Hannah burns the noodles, Ray admits to Shosh that he’s a loser in love, and Jessa has a hard time meeting Thomas John’s parents.
But was it painfully LOLzy or pretty laughable? Would these scenes happen IRL? Would they never? Or—gasp—did they happen to us?
FROM THE TOP:
Elijah’s moving out because he “had sex” with Marnie and Hannah can’t deal. “I resent the fact this wasn’t a dialogue, it was a monologue,” he says. “And I paid for our butt plug.”
WOULD HAPPEN: Hannah’s approach to conversation is so unilateral, the U.N. is holding a conference in Moscow about it as I type. —SNP
Hannah says to Elijah: “There are certain people who are meant to stay in your past. You’re a fink, Elijah, I made a mistake trying to repurpose you.” Elijah: “I’m not a vintage cardigan.”
WOULD HAPPEN: Hannah’s right. Some people (especially of the HPV-carrying-gay-turning-ex-boyfriend variety) are meant to stay in the past. Of course we’re glad he didn’t. —DZD
That sober realisation after you tried to turn your now-gay ex-boyfriend into a pet project of hopeful subjugation, even if only to suppress the overriding feeling you weren’t ‘woman enough for him,’ and it was thrown back in your face. —OKF
Hannah: “That’s what boyfriends do, they pay for things.”
WOULD HAPPEN: Because you know who is a fink? Hannah. Hannah Horvath. Hannah “Shut the FUCK up” Horvath, who claimed—not TWO (2) episodes ago—to not be all “cashing in on [her] sexuality.” But also, maybe she’s using “boyfriends” pejoratively, in which case I could not agree more. Boyfriends are inherently shit and they only pay for stuff because they’re not worth anything. HUSBANDS OR LOVERS. THAT’S IT. THAT’S MY WHOLE POLITICS, BYE. —SNP
Sarah, our star-crossed girlfriend, drunkenly reporting from the Super Bowl sidelines. —OFK
Jessa has crimps, with chopsticks in her hair, and as she is arranging flowers she says: “I can’t even eat meat unless I’m menstruating.”
WOULD HAPPEN: Jemima Kirke is so obviously pregnant here IRL, that maybe a little iron would do her good. —DZD
I do not, as a rule, eat red meat. It has something to do with the environment? Fracking? FoxConn? I forget. I do know that when I’m bleeding like a Tarantino villain, all I want to do is eat some fleshy, hideous animal by the pound. —SNP
Wait, is that a thing? Craving red meat when you’re menstruating? (Appreciate Jessa’s use of the grown-up word, by the way.) I just learned on a Jezebel comment thread (natch) last week that apparently a significant minority of women find swallowing after a blow job causes stomachache, which was also new to me as a concept. So maybe the lesson here is just that women are individuals and our bodies and needs are different. — JRS
Calling bullshit on swallowing stomach aches, that’s some Hannah Horvath neuroses right there. (Also, Hannah would totes comment on Jezebel.) – DZD
Can we talk about Jessa’s crimps, please?!? —OKF
Dig the kinks. —FAD
Jessa is saying she can’t eat meat because, mid-season shocker, she is meeting her husband’s parents tonight. This will be fun! Anyway, she doesn’t want to go, and tries to delay proceedings by revealing a single boob. Says to Thomas: “It’s the good boob.”
DOES HAPPEN: Everyone has a favourite boob, right? —OKF
Hannah is cooking dinner for Audrey and Charlie in a “Mama Cooks” apron with a “Diet is a Four-Letter Word” plate in the background.
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: Apron, maybe. But even Elijah’s stale sugar-daddy ex had better taste than that plate, which connotes even less cool set decorators than did Shoshanna’s KEEP CALM AND…. poster. —SNP
Hannah invites Marnie, her number one frenemy and Charlie’s ex, to this dinner party as a “last-minute gesture,” the excuse being that she won’t show. Or, apparently, text.
WOULD HAPPEN: Pa-leease. Of course Hannah, the drama craver, knew she would show. The last minute “whoops” rids her of any otherwise excruciatingly obvious manipulative guilt. Because Hannah is the good friend, remember. —OKF
Audrey is launching a new line of artisanal mustards.
WOULD HAPPEN: A year, three years ago, sure. Plusssss… Audrey, in this ensemble, looks like she only eats mustard. —SNP
Marnie is not that into mustard. Audrey, in turn, slights Marnie on her new hostessing gig: “Oh, are you hosting a slam poetry night? Or an open mic night?”
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: Is Girls being ironically sincere now? Who in this city has slam poetry nights? That’s so, like, Sohemian, so mid-period mediocre Woody Allen minor character quirk. —SNP
The thought of Marnie hosting either a slam poetry or open mic night makes me giggle. —DZD
WOULD HAPPEN: I think Audrey is mocking Marnie by implying that she would host something as “uncool” (at least in the eyes of people like Audrey) as a slam poetry night or an open mic. —JRS
Nooooo, I think she’s mocking Marnie because she knows Marnie isn’t “cool” enough to host a slam poetry night or open mic. Even though those things aren’t “cool,” and how would Audrey know, anyway, given that Audrey is currently and forever dressed like Pocahontas Spice. —SNP
Shosh, late to the dinner party, leads with a string of excuses, like… she lost her earring in a cab? Ray explains that, since they’re “all adults here”, she can just say they had sex. Okay, they had sex. Shosh apologizes.
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: Wait, who are the adults here? —DZD
DID HAPPEN: Shosh reminds me of a) my best friend in high school who might still be a virgin, and whom I loved beyond belief; b) my best friend in journalism school, who was so so accustomed to—and desirous of—being liked that she would craft CIA-level lies rather than admit to the slightest failing. Once, an hour late, she claimed she’d been stuck, while walking, “behind an Asian tour bus.” She has never forgotten it. —SNP
Shosh, again, compliments Hannah on how “amaze” her apartment looks. “The best years of your life are totally going to happen here,” she says.
DOES HAPPEN: I totally feel this way about my new apartment, New York, and the crippling pressure to make the most of my 20s. —DZD
Marnie smartens up her mouth, saying to Audrey: “So where do you get your headbands?”
THANK GOD IT’S HAPPENING: Whoa. Whooooooaaaa. Did Marnie just grow a pair… of labia? I like it. —SNP
Audrey is such a ridiculous hipster pixie dream girl of a character and I love that this show is finally opening her up for mockery. —JRS
Shosh, the eternal innocent, wants to know what a butt plug is.
WOULD HAPPEN: Because at 21 I also had no idea what a butt plug was. And really, only two weeks ago revelled in their (beauty?) at Kiki de Montparnasse, with Dana, after an hour in a shared sample sale changing room – where statements like “this is a great blow job bra” floated as if we were discussing the merits of peanut butter M&M’s vs. Reese’s Pieces. —OKF
UH, BUTT PLUGS ARE NOT ONLY FOR GUYS, MARNIE! (And I do love my new blowjob bra, Olivia.) —DZD
WHAT LINGERIE SAMPLE SALE AND WHY DID YOU NOT INVITE ME? My collection is in a building period. — JRS
DID HAPPEN: Oh my Gaia, I fucking love the exchange of looks around the table and the, “You wanna take this one?” hand-off of the explanation. How I relish devirginizing ears with information on interior body parts or whatever. Sad story: Being in Grade 10 and having to explain to a car full of girls what a ‘clit’ is. Like, what kind of garbage erotica were these moms buying their daughters! —FAD
Hannah to Marnie: “Unlike you, I would do almost anything sexually.”
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: Calling bullshit here. There is so much Hannah is way too neurotic to do. Like swallow, probably.—DZD
WOULD HAPPEN: I mean, so she can write about it? —SNP
Hannah about Marnie: “She’s far too self-involved to slit her wrists.”
WOULD HAPPEN: Because this is an ostensibly edgy aphorism that makes zero material sense, and, you know, Hannah writes for xoJane now. —SNP
“Oh my god, do you live with me!” Shosh just realizing Ray has been staying at her house every day this week, and “the week before that and the week before that”.
WOULD HAPPEN: I love that what she is actually worried about is that she didn’t get the chance to buy new sheets, or call her aunt for advice. —OKF
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: How could someone as watchful — and as invested in traditional values and markers of commitment — as Shoshanna just not notice a boyfriend moving in? Where is Ray’s stuff? Has he been wearing the same shirt for three weeks? Where is his toothbrush? You notice the first time a lover leaves a toothbrush. — JRS
At dinner with Thomas John, Jessa admits to dropping out of Oberlin after seven months to go to rehab for heroin. “I never shot it, I only snorted it,” she says. TJ’s dad is pretty into it.
WOULD HAPPEN: Of course his dad would hit on his daughter-in-law. Where do you think ol’ T.J. learned to be such a douche? —JRS
Why doesn’t Jessa ask TJ’s mom what the fuck she does with her life, eh? She looks like a big-time trophy wife. —DZD
Marnie, after Audrey calls her a “fucking Stepford psycho,” runs to the roof. Charlie chases after her, abandoning his girlfriend.
WOULD HAPPEN: Duh. Charlie is always going to be in love with Marnie no matter how much of a cunt she is to him. Also, if I were Audrey, and my bf’s ex came by late one night to cuddle, I’d be fucking pissed too. —DZD
Marnie is now ‘seeing’ Booth Jonathan, apparently, and subsequently rejects Charlie’s (boob grab!) advances.
WOULD HAPPEN: Even if Marnie, resident Stepford psycho, believes that consummating a relationship means instant monogamy, who wouldn’t reject Charlie, beard or no beard, after that WTF grope. —OKF
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: I don’t know, I’m kind of into the boob grope. —DZD
DID HAPPEN: When ex-boyfriends strike back, I take such a perverse pleasure in resisting their advances, even when I want them; in denying us both. —SNP
Charlie, now officially the hottest guy on the show, calls Booth an “Ewok in fucking Capri pants.” Marnie rebuts his Small Dog Syndrome with the comeback, “he’s an artist, and he’s of average height”.
WOULD HAPPEN: Well, Charlie is the new Free People model, and Booth is pretty shrimpy. —DZD
DID HAPPEN: I could write an Urban Outfitter’s book of all the insults my ex used to describe boys I personally found more fuckable than I did him, e.g. “American Apparel reject photographer with Down’s Syndrome.” —SNP
Marnie claims to think she’s not intimidating to Audrey because her job is lame. She also wishes someone would tell her which path to take in life.
WOULD / DOES HAPPEN: It’s very hard not to define yourself by your work, and to question your worth and direction because your job might not be meaningful. —DZD
Hannah, despite the fact she’s ‘not talking to Marnie’, defends her frenemy without missing a beat as soon as the word ‘cunt’ comes out of Charlie’s resentful and dejected mouth.
WOULD HAPPEN: Just because I can talk shit about my best friend, doesn’t mean you can, asshole. —OKF
Jessa, considering how much Thomas John would have to pay her to leave, says $30,000. He counters with $10,000 (burnnnn). She settles for $11,500, because she “did things [I] didn’t want to do.”
WOULD NEVER HAPPEN: Um, this doesn’t seem like a conversation either legally married party should be having without counsel present. I don’t think partners in the state of New York just get to offer and accept divorce settlements like *pouf* magic. This wasn’t even a no-fault state until 2010. —JRS
Also, legalities aside, since when did Jessa back down at anything, especially $18,500 dollars? —OKF
Come to think of it, Thomas John seems like the kind of dude who would have made her sign a disadvantageous prenup anyway. And it is pretty telling that his response to the first problem in their relationship is to throw money at it to make it go away. —JRS
WOULD HAPPEN: Oooookay, Jenna “Harper’s Index” Sauers. Some of us are emotional, not legal, creatures. Some of us say what we mean in The Moment, not what is recorded in whateverthefuck state department, and some of us are prone to throwing entire, open cartons of almond milk across the shared loft. And so this fight, while reduced to jerky jot notes by not-unparalleled director Jesse Peretz, rings true or familiar for any stormy May in a May-December situation. —SNP
Um. Thomas John’s raging breakup speech on why he likes hookers: “Because they respect me.”
WOULD HAPPEN: You know he learned that from his Stepford/Whore-complex father. Can’t fight the family. —FAD
Ray, 33 and homeless, whose “only asset is a signed picture of Andy Kaufman” confesses his love to “beautiful, cute, smart 21-year-old” Shoshanna at the Graham avenue subway station.
WOULD HAPPEN: Ray is like the Greek chorus of GIRLS. Not only did he call Charlie out on being a dick to Audrey, but he seems to know perfectly well that he is at the bottom of the eligible-bachelor tier, even for a newbie like Shosh. —DZD
Shoshanna would apologize for saying I love you! —OKF
DID HAPPEN: I’ve dated SO many guys exactly like Ray! They’re insecure about their life choices but really well-versed in Kafka and Camus! —DZD
Dana, I love you, but that is revolting. —SNP
Sarah, I still don’t understand the “type” I was attracted to in college. But GIRLS seems to! —DZD
DID HAPPEN: You think they won’t hurt you because you both know they’re sort of not as good as you are. But then they always do anyway. —JRS
Jenna, when I told my boyfriend I was falling in love with him in a fit of drunken tears, all I got was: “Wow. That was unexpected.” My only claim to dignity was that instead of apologizing, I told him where to take his pity hug and stick it. —OKF
Jessa, with a wet face, interrupts Hannah singing Wonderwall in the bathtub. Jessa gets in and immediately snot rockets into the tub. Hannah: “I’m sorry, I know you’re sad right now, but that’s disgusting. I pee in every bathtub I ever get into and even I wouldn’t do that.”
WOULD HAPPEN: BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT BEST FRIENDS ARE FOR. —OKF
This is the most beautiful culmination of female friendship I have seen in a long, long time. —DZD
<3 <3 <3 <3 —FAD
SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN: I realize this is a show called “GIRLS,” but peeing in the bath is completely unacceptable past the age of 4. Tops. —JRS