Actor and notorious live wire Gary Busey has survived drug addiction, legal troubles, and a near-fatal motorcycle accident that left him permanently brain damaged. This summer he’ll battle freshwater carnivores in the skin-and-surf camp-fest Piranha 3DD, but before swimming with the fishes, the Oscar nominee imparted a few pearls of wisdom about everything from fake boobs to Oreo orgasms.
Dear Gary, I am an inveterate fuck-up. How do I stop fucking up?
The best way to do it is to lose the phrase “fucking up” from your vocabulary. Because you’re not a fuck-up, you’re just learning lessons. When you say, “I’m fucking up,” you’re giving yourself permission to fuck up over and over and over and over and over again. Bring yourself up, because that’s part of knowing the truth of who you are. Those little mistakes you make, those are called gifts. A mistake is a gift. Say, “Thank you, mistake. I won’t do you again.” Thank you for the question. Beautiful.
Dear Gary, I go to confession every week, and I feel like my priest is doing something unsavory as I’m unburdening myself. How should I bring this up to him?
If you don’t feel good internally about what you’re saying to the priest, it’s not what you’re saying; it’s how you think the priest is going to react to what you’re saying when he’s got other things on his mind—things other than absolution. Just talk to God. Ask for forgiveness through God himself. And the word “forgive”—F-O-R-G-I-V-E— stands for Finding Ourselves Really Giving Individuals Valuable Energy. Valuable energy is unconditional love. And if you have that unconditional love in your heart, you won’t need a priest to confess to. Thanks for the question. Stay tuned to that answer in your mind as you proceed from now on in your life. Let me know how you’re doing.
Dear Gary, Chemical peel gone wrong—need advice stat!
Forget chemical peels. They don’t work. Treat yourself to a good moisturizer and good therapeutic skin oil on your face and your arms, all over your body. Moisturize yourself. Because chemicals, they’re not good for human beings. They’re good for engineering, inventing things, and coming up with some magnificent intrascope-ical vibration that moves a car without driving it. That’s a chemical.
Dear Gary, I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I’m terrified that he’ll cry or do something horrible to my cat. What should I do?
If your cat is a tiger, or a lion, or a leopard, then you have no problem, because there’s nothing he’s gonna be able to do to that thing. If you have a little cat and he’s gonna hurt that cat, that means he has the ingredients to become a serial killer of human beings. So my advice is to get rid of that jerk. Dismiss the dude, and keep your cat safe. Thanks for the question, that was real good.
Dear Gary, I can’t get past the fact that her boobs aren’t real! Please advise.
You know what you could do? You could go to a pawnshop in Seattle run by a guy named Bill. He has incredible blow-up dolls where the boobs aren’t altered, and you’ll have more fun with that than you will with the bowling-ball chest of the girl that you have now.
Dear Gary, I’ve slept with one too many of my coworkers, and I think they’re starting to talk. How can I maintain my composure and woman-on-top status (forgive the pun) while still remaining true to my lusty exploits?
They are talking about you. And they are putting it on the Internet. What you need is to have a bordello for coworkers. You run it. That means you don’t have to be doing tricks for everybody, because you’re the madam. And move your business to Nevada. That way you’ll have more fun achieving and pleasuring yourself as well as others. No matter what you do, you’re gonna get talked about, but that’s a good thing: It’s called word-of-mouth advertisement. Or go to a doctor and find out what it takes to get out of sexual addiction. It’s not gonna be a vibrator, or a puppy that squirts sperm. It’s not gonna be anything like that. It’s gonna be you yourself dealing with you yourself, to get out of that system of spreading your legs for anyone who says, “I’m a coworker!” Take that advice. Utilize it. Please. God, we’re doing well today!
Dear Gary, I’m a huge fan of dunking Oreos (Hydrox cookies when I’m on a budget) into slightly melted ice cream and then shoving them whole into my mouth at top speed, chased with a bong hit. What other techniques would you suggest?
The best way to eat an Oreo—and there are a lot of good ways—is to break the cookie and leave all the white sugar on one end and take the one without any sugar and put it in your mouth up against your palate and just slowly suck on it and it’ll melt. That’s an achievement. Then take the other part of the Oreo, with the sugar white cream, and let that melt. That way you elongate your Oreo orgasmic period, because Oreos can give you orgasms. Oreo — orgasm; Oreo, orgasm. See? Or dunk them in milk straight from the tit of a cow. Put it in a bucket, dip the Oreo in it, and you’ll be in Oreo heaven. And that cow will be going, “Mooooooo!” That means, “Keep milking me. I love it.”
Dear Gary, I’m worried about global warming, but I hate recycling. What to do?
Recycling is a marketing ad to get you to put something in a particular container. But it all goes to the same place anyway. Like when you eat one course at a time. Just mix it all up, eat it together. It all ends up in the same place at the bottom of your stomach. Then it will go through the duodenum, then the small intestine, then the big intestine, and then—bip! It will come out in the shape of a toilet fish. Man, these questions are great.
Dear Gary, I thought of a concept for an ice hockey helmet that might greatly reduce the number of concussions in professional sports. How do I get my idea to a scientist who can implement the technology?
Take your design and have it patented in your name. Then take it to the doctors—the neurosurgeons, the brain surgeons, and the head doctors. Have them look at it and run their tests on it. Then you need to go find a helmet company. A hockey helmet company. You know me with helmets. [Busey suffered serious head trauma following a motorcycling accident in 1998; he’d not been wearing a helmet.] Always wear your helmet. Old people, you should wear helmets when you take showers, and you should wash your hair in the sink. That will keep your head safe. But when you crack your butt on that porcelain tub—whoa! That’s a stingaroo! (It’s true. I’ve done it.) Just think about what I’m saying and put it into the truth of who you are.
For more on the world according to Busey, check out BuseyZone.com, an online advice show where the Hollywood sage answers questions submitted to him via Twitter, Facebook, and email.