Have you ever checked out televangelist Joel Osteen’s twitter? Even if you’ve never heard of the guy, you can probably guess it deals mainly in extreme statements about God, his mercy, his willingness and ability to fight our battles (would be great if that were so) etc. etc. Osteen has 4.46 million followers.
But there’s another, lesser known preacher I tend to be partial to. His name is Joel Dongsteen and he worships his dick. He encourages you to worship your dick as well. Your dick has all the answers. Your dick will set you free, and so forth.
You don’t have to defend yourself. Just run your race. Stay focused on your goals, and your dick will take care of your enemies.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) May 2, 2016
Unfortunately, Dongsteen is not a living man but a clever internet bot (presumably created or at least “inspired” by comedian and writer Joe Mande), which simply takes Osteen’s tweets and replaces the word “God” with “Your Dick.” Even as a woman, I can see the deeper truth in many of these statements. Maybe your dick does have all the answers.
Really they’re all gems, but here are some standouts.
Don’t worry about recognition from people. You’re not working unto people; you’re working unto your dick.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 29, 2016
If you only look to people, you’ll be disappointed. Your dick is showing you that you shouldn’t rely on people but rely on Him.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 27, 2016
You may not be perfect, but when your heart is sincere, your dick will show Himself strong in your life.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 21, 2016
Every morning when you wake up, thank your dick for His goodness, for His blessings and for His favor.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 14, 2016
And my personal favorite:
Your dick is looking for people who cannot only handle the blessing but who can handle the burden.
— Joel Dongsteen (@JoelDongsteen) April 19, 2016