Culture

Favorite Porn Search Terms By State Are Predictable, Weird

Culture

Favorite Porn Search Terms By State Are Predictable, Weird

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PornMD, a site I promise I’ve never heard of until now, but have already bookmarked, has released an interactive map showing the top search terms for online porn broken down by state and by country, a survey that I learned about from Buzzfeed, the Internet’s #1 non-sex related jerk-off enabler. “Ever wonder which states or countries are into what when it comes to what goes on behind closed doors?” they ask, introducing the data. No, actually, that’s a pretty weird thing to wonder. I mean, I do now, but still, that’s on you guys. “In this graphic below we take a closer look at the sexual interests of people around the planet.”

By people, they mean dudes. Specifically single dudes. Or married ones. Also every other type of dude.

Most of the top search terms throughout the country are somewhat predictable: teens, milfs, pictures of Buzzfeed editors printed out then cummed on, and so on. More importantly, which of them can I make jokes about? Let’s take a look, shall we?

New York’s top terms include: college, milf, massage, teen, asian, ebony, amateur, and pov.

So, basically, people in New York are interested in a massage therapist working her way through college later in life, who is both Asian and black, and not that good at her job. Seems hard to find IRL—no wonder they’re turning to porn.

My home state of Massachusetts’s number one search term is college, but that could just be a lot of really confused kids trying to figure out how to get their applications into B.U. in on time. Also high on the list is creampie, which, I do have to admit, we make a pretty damned good Boston cream pie up here. Creampie is also the top term straight down the creamy middle of the country, from North Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, and Oklahoma. They do make a lot of milk out there, in their defense.

North and South Carolina, Alabama, and Mississippi’s number one picks are all ebony, which is unsurprisingly, some racist shit. Florida’s is alligator amputee meth pov. Definitely did not see that one coming. Sorry, cumming.

Well, that was enlightening. Thanks a lot, porn doctor. That’s not the first time I’ve expressed that sentiment, by the way. Don’t ask.