In a super important hard news story that is sure to alter the course of humanity, CNN reports that either Obama or Jay-Z is a dirty liar. Yes, one of our country’s beloved leaders is lying about their texting habits, and CNN will not rest until they find who’s the culprit.
Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Obama said he doesn’t text at all. “I don’t text, I email. I still have a Blackberry,” he told Kimmel. Obama has to live in the dark ages for security reasons (makes sense – if we’ve learned anything in the past two years it’s that politicians cannot own modern technological devices without accidentally Instagramming dick pics or tweeting an extramarital sext).
BUT WAIT! In 2013 Jay Z told the radio station Hot97 that he and Obama like, totally text and stuff. “Yeah, I’ve spoken to him on the phone and had texts from Obama, of course,” Jay said. OF COURSE. Like, duh. Jay even claims in his song “On to the Next One” that he has “Obama on the text.” We hate being lied to in song (just like Homer Simpson).
“Time will tell if there’s a reason the president says he doesn’t text but the rap mogul says he gets texts from Obama,” says CNN. And mainstream American news media proves itself an unbiased and valuable resource once again.