November 16, 2012

Don’t want your partner to feel attracted to other women? Science has the solution: bang him constantly. At least that’s what I took away from this study in the Journal of Neuroscience “Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females” summarized here in the Atlantic.

The researchers, who hypothesized that oxytocin, aka “the love hormone”, might make us more inclined to react amorously to the approach of an attractive stranger, set about testing that by dosing subjects nasally with horny juice, which, if they wanted to know if putting drugs up your nose made you inclined to make bad decisions they could have just called me and asked.

The results are interesting enough, but the methodology, as described by the Atlantic, is kind of unintentionally hilarious.

The research team singled out the most attractive female among them to approach their male subjects.

Haha, would love to see how that process of elimination went down. Is there a scientific method for determining bangability?

Each of the 57 men had been administered either oxytocin or a placebo via nasal spray prior to the encounter. The attractive researcher would stand about 24 inches away from the subject, and then move toward and away from them. The men were asked to determine when the attractive researcher was at an “ideal distance” and when she got too close, making them feel “slightly uncomfortable.”

This is the best sentence I’ve read all day. “The men confirmed after the experiment was completed that the attractive researcher was, in fact, attractive.”

Unexpectedly, the men who had received oxytocin and who were also in monogamous relationships preferred keeping a significantly greater distance between themselves and the temptress researcher — the hormone promoted bonding with their significant other, not the stranger. They stayed an average of 4 to 6 inches further back than oxytocin-induced singletons or anyone from the placebo group.

4 to 6 inches away sounds exactly close enough for me, if you know what I mean.

Neither oxytocin nor relationship status affected the men’s perception of how attractive the attractive researcher was.

Jesus, we get it already, they’ve got a hot researcher on the staff. You don’t have to rub it in, lady.

And then it says some other stuff I don’t really have any jokes for.

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