February 20, 2013

Justin Bieber may be a garishly confident little jock, but he’s still a real dude with real feelings and real connections to the world around him. Certainly someone who isn’t worthy of castration, at the very least. At the end of 2012, news broke of a foiled plot by a trio of criminals to kidnap the singer, but you really won’t believe how much of a devil there was in the details; seriously, some grade-A Satanic shit they probably would’ve written books about for years to come. As E!’s Bruna Nessif chronicles from police recordings of conversations between mastermind Dana Martin and co-conspirator Tanner Ruane:

“We went and bought the hedge clippers,” Ruane said. “You’re gonna give me 5 large ($5,000) for each one I get.” Police said that Ruane was instructed to castrate Bieber and his bodyguard with the clippers, and then suffocate them with a scarf.

“Tie it really tight, and that cuts off all the oxygen, and then tie it in the back again, really tight. That seals the deal,” Martin was heard saying.

To wit: First, the criminals were going to kidnap one of the most well-guarded, immensely surrounded celebrities on the planet. Then, they were going to cut his balls off with a hedge clipper. Then, they were going to suffocate him with a scarf—maybe one that looked like this, for symbolic reasons. Then, they were probably going to do a bunch of crystal meth; that’s my guess, at least? Fortunately, everyone involved was found out beforehand and is facing a whole bunch of charges for conspiracy to commit murder. Bieber and his balls sleep safer than ever.

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