Culture

Crushing on 5 Totally Lame Dudes

Culture

Crushing on 5 Totally Lame Dudes

There are some guys you’re just not supposed to have a crush on, no matter how strikingly good looking they are. Generally this is because they portray themselves as utter douchebags with a shitty personality or are vain or decadent or otherwise wear shell necklaces and look like they “dig” Nickelback. Basically, some people are just lame even if all signs point to not lame (i.e. talented, smart, rich, traditionally handsome etc.) Here are 5 guys I have a bean boner for, and do not be mistaken—I would choose any one of these lame-ass fellas over Ryan Gosling any day.

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Adam Levine

I want to marry Adam Levine, and he’s pretty much the opposite of everything I’m looking for in a man; especially “humble” and “subtle.” I mean, Adam Levine is the worst. But he’s the most compelling man on earth, precisely because I think he’d say horribly dicky but completely sincere things and well, let’s face it, visually, he’s a work of art. I get the feeling he’s probably into some psychologically questionable stuff in bed too, like adult diapers or something, which isn’t really my thing but it’s still intriguinAlso, I’ll always love that Maroon 5 song about the guy who stands outside all night in the rain because he likes this girl who is irreparably broken (I cried when that tubby dude in the first season of Australian Idol sang it. Granted I was 17 at the time, but still). And then there’s the possibility that I might get to hang with Xtina.

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Mark Foster

Remember when “Pumped Up Kicks” came out and everyone was like “Oh this band rules it’s like the new Passion Pit or Grizzly Bear or something totally cool and indie and Brooklyn but with a chill West coast vibe”? And then all the other songs came out and we collectively shit in a paper bag and burned it on Foster The People’s doorstep? I was part of that lynching, but I’ve harbored a secret wet patch for Mark Foster the whole time, mostly because I think he’d be an even bigger ass than Adam Levine (I think Adam would just want to be held and coo-ed at and had his beautiful, lovely ego stroked), acting like he’s way too good to ever get with a pleb like me. And Goddamn it I love when guys in shit bands reject me. 

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Rob Thomas

What I feel for Rob is the opposite of what I feel about Adam and Mark; I think Rob would just be the sweetest, most dorky dude ever. I mean, his favorite band is the Foo Fighters, but for real, and I bet he’d defend their “new stuff” to the grave, which is super adorable.

And don’t pretend like “Smooth” isn’t the best song you’ve ever heard; I SEE YOU.

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Pierce Brosnan as James Bond

This is the biggest secret I’ll ever reveal about myself publicly, and that is that of the more contemporary Bonds, I like Brosnan-Bond better than Craig-Bond. Maybe it’s because Daniel Craig looks like he’d have a dick as thick as his neck, which terrifies me (that’s a certified demolition waiting to happen), whereas Pierce is so dashing and perfectly proportioned, you know he’d squeeze hard, but just the perfect amount of hard that makes it sexy. He’s the Irish George Clooney, but wildly underrated as a sex symbol, I’m guessing because of his hairy chest and the fact that he was “Shiny Gadgets!” Bond.

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Kevin Sorbo

Kevin Sorbo is a jerk-ass Republican with some pretty conservative views about women’s vaginal rights, but hot damn, dude was HERCULES, and I’m a total dweeb. That’s like a dude who spent the better part of his teenage years playing action role play games like Diablo II saying they’re not madly in love with Lucy Lawless. Except that Lucy Lawless is at least 17 times cooler than the Sorbs (she can fly, she dates Ron Swanson, she’s Lucy Lawless, etc.), although he does get points for his cameo on Don’t Trust The B.