Cultural Commentator

Conservatives Lost the Cultural Wars, But At Least They Saw It Coming!

Cultural Commentator

Conservatives Lost the Cultural Wars, But At Least They Saw It Coming!


For years liberals have dismissed the chicken-little slippery-slope whining of the right—who’ve been saying we’re becoming a nation of id-driven heathens—as hysterical scare-tactics. But after decades of being wrong about absolutely every single thing, it looks like the conservatives were finally right about something! Congratulations are in order then, because the hour of the rough beast’s slouching birth has come at last; and our transformation into Gomorrah is nearly complete. I’d thank, and capitalize for that matter, god, but like the rest of the media I don’t recognize its existence any more. Spot on with that prediction. Hate to say you told us so, but you guys totally saw this one coming, and that has to feel pretty good, right? Even if nothing else does. Except for all this drugged-up sex we’re having out here.

For the first time, a majority of Americans support marijuana legalization, (and in Mass the high court just ruled that it’s totally cool to pass the dutchie). A federal court recently overturned a ban on women under 17 purchasing emergency contraception over the counter, and it seems likely that DOMA will be struck down by the Supreme Court this summer, with Republicans lawmakers increasingly starting to support it. Talk about throwing in the towel. (The towel in this case, is a high thread count Egyptian cotton). It’s a divisive enough issue that it’s tearing the party apart from the inside, O’Reilly versus Limbaugh, brother versus brother, dogs and cats living together. It’s downright Biblical, and not in the pants-tightening way.

Speaking of pants-tightening, locker rooms—your last bastion of steadying, predictable hetereonormativity—are going soft. The NFL seems set to introduce its first openly homosexual players, and a Rutgers basketball coach was fired for good old fashioned hate-discipline. I know nothing is sacred anymore, what with all this godlessness, but is nothing else outside of the literally sacred sacred? It’s gotten to the point where the most powerful man in the world can’t even tell a fine dame that she’s easy on the eyes without perpetuating rape culture. Men everywhere are being forced to face the ramifications of the objectification of women, with rappers—the closest approximation to the Randian archetype of the capitalist superhero— being criticized for celebrating date rape, which, ok, that one has to be a bit of a mixed-bag, but it’s just another example of the jack-booted P.C. stormtroopers overrunning the city. Kind of like the style-setting news organization banning the use of the term “illegal immigrant.” Oh, and speaking of rappers, the real most powerful African American couple in the country have been traipsing around the pink beaches of pinko Cuba. That has to sting.

You might at least take solace in some of the vestigial holdovers of privilege maintaining for your children, but thoroughly average, underachieving white students can’t even get into the universities of their choice anymore.

At least you’ve got Mad Men to fall back on, right? An idealized image of what real America used to look like before it all went to pot. Literally. Although, keep in mind, the new season is now entering the late sixties, a period of our country’s history whose chief cultural export was the dirty free-loving hippie. Where have you gone Roger Sterling? Our nation turns its lonely eye to you.

In other words, the four horsemen of the liberal apocalypse are trampling through the streets with blood on their swords, and lust in their hearts. What’s worse, in some states there’s legislation in the works that would finally make it legal for them to marry the horses. Anything goes now. With apologies to your spiritual totem, the other Jeffrey Lebowski, the millionaire, the bums, it seems, have actually won. We’re well on our way to a nation of obliterated, gay-abortion-having, thought-policing socialists.

It’s hard out there for good old fashioned Americans right now, is what I’m saying, and I feel for you. It can’t be easy feeling marginalized and relegated to second-class status. On the other hand, you’ve got that whole entirety of human existence thing to fall back on for fond memories of how the good old millennia used to be.

So, good call on predicting that whole apocalyptic descent into mayhem thing, conservatives everywhere. On the other hand, now you’ve got to live in hell on earth. You know what might help with that? Sparking one up.


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