TaxiTreats, a new start up based in New York, hopes to revolutionize the taxi game, aka the last stop on your way to an ill-advised hookup. “Our goal is to provide people with things they want, when they want them, right where they are,” TaxiTreat founder Brian Shimmerlik explained to the Huffington Post who add “that the product, called Vengo, will focus on selling ‘convenience’ items like gum, hand sanitizer and even condoms.”
Mayor Michael Bloomberg last year unveiled NYC’s “Taxi of Tomorrow,” according to a Bloomberg News report. The Nissan NV200 features 10 more inches of legroom than the traditional Crown Victoria, and would make it easier to hold three adults — and, Shimmerlik recalled thinking, a vending machine.
Three adults? This is all a fabulous convergence of luck for the hard-to-reach stinky-mouthed, threesome-seeking demo, although “threesome-seeking” and “stinky-mouthed” is kind of redundant I suppose. Also, you know why they called it “Taxi of Tomorrow”? Because that’s typically when the goddamn thing arrives to pick you up.
Getting the service into cabs has been a challenge, Shimmerlik has said. “We’re not only updating the traditional vending machine, we’re trying to put it in a moving vehicle.”
Speaking of trying to put it in a moving vehicle, am I the only one who thinks the idea of buying a condom in a taxi is a little gross? They should have full-body condoms that you can buy on the outside of most taxis before you even get in one. That said, here are a few other items I’d like to see available for purchase inside of most taxis:
1) A seatbelt that works.
2) Plastic gloves that you can put on when you have to reach down into the butt-crack of the seat and fish through a year’s worth of drunken slice crust and head pubes to find the seatbelt that doesn’t work.
3) A “Do Not Disturb” sign you can attach to your face as a mask and point to every time the cabbie wants to talk about how your day is going/the weather/the local sports’ clubs relative ups and downs as pertains to other sports clubs from around the country.
4) A time machine print out of your face in approximately two hours when you’re packing up your shit and heading home in another taxi after the encounter that led you to want to purchase a condom in the first place.