Good evening folks, and welcome to our roast of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, or as Barack Obama calls it: best case scenario. Haha, no, but really, Obama does want to burn this guy’s flesh off via a missile strike. Talk about a roast.
Let’s hear it for Bashar al-Assad, who’s here tonight. Would you look at this dickhead? No, really, look at his dick-shaped head and neck. This guy’s head looks like a penis, is all I’m saying. Stop licking your lips over there Jeff Ross. You’re a closeted homosexual in my estimation.
A lot of people don’t know this, but the Syrian president was actually a doctor in the army before taking over the country. That’s right, a doctor. Which is ironic, because he’s about to see some surgical strikes first hand. Surgical bomb strikes, haha. On select military targets in his country.
Bashar al-Assad isn’t a religious fundamentalist. A lot of Americans probably don’t know that. He’s actually a member of the Alawite sect of Islam. Alawite... So, in other words, Lisa Lampanelli would never fuck him. Haha, she loves black cock.
Alawites are a small minority in Syria, but they run the country anyway. That sort of thing would never happen here in Hollywood, am I right Gilbert?
He’s also a member of the Arab Socialist Ba’ath Party. That’s right, the Ba’ath Party… Throw in some balloons and candy and it sounds like how Paula Poundstone tricks most of her dates into getting naked. Because she’s a pedophile. A severely unfunny pedophile who fucks kids. More like Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me You Went Through Puberty.
Nick Kroll is here, too. Nick Kroll, that’s right. And Jeff Ross. You haven’t seen such a depressing group of jews together like this since Syria’s Six Day War with Israel over the Golan Heights! Look, I don’t want to say al-Assad is uncomfortable around jews, but his vice president is Mel Gibson.
al-Assad has been the leader of Syria since 2000 when he was elected with 97% of the vote. In other words, only 3% of the people voted against his opponent. Seth Green isn’t laughing right now because 3% is the average score for most of his films on Rotten Tomatoes. Seriously Seth, you are in some awful movies and you should kill yourself. Maybe just openly criticize al-Assad’s government in public and wait around for his army thugs to do the job.
For real, when al-Assad became president, he was actually expected to serve as a liberalizing force in the country. I know, I know. What the fuck are you laughing at right now, Barack? That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is here. I know it seems like you two heads of state don’t have much in common, but I’ll tell you something you both love: murdering people, haha. And spying on your people. And holding political prisoners indefinitely. And receiving anal sex.
No, but Obama has said that using chemical weapons against your own people is a line that can’t be crossed, and he’s going to put his money where his mouth is this time: on Wayne Brady’s dick. Haha, seriously, that dude loves the taste of semen. And blowing up little brown babies. Why do you look so nervous right now Mindy and Aziz?
Chemical weapons… Man. Lot of people dying from chemicals right now. Get Avicii to headline one of these protests in Damascus, and it wouldn’t look any different than an EDM concert. Has anyone seen Molly? No really, has anyone seen her? I can’t tell one woman from another with all these hijabs in the crowd right now. Because of Islam, folks. Bit of fashion humor there.
Everyone is against these chemical weapons. The Pope… that’s right. The Pope is here, too. He tweeted against the use of them the other day, saying “With utmost firmness I condemn the use of chemical weapons.” You have to applaud the Pope for that. And for his liberal stance on gays in the clergy, speaking of utmost firmness. Those holy dudes sure do love to pop boners!
But Syria… Aside from a few recent hiccups, Syria is actually a country with a proud tradition, stretching all the way back to ancient history, which is great news, because that’s where we’re about to bomb them back into. With sky robots! But honestly, Aleppo, one of the biggest cities in the country, has been around since about 6,000 B.C. You were there Senator McCain…
John McCain, folks. John McCain said he only wants to vote for strikes against Syria if it’s actually going to take power away from al-Assad. “I can’t support something that I’m afraid may be doomed to failure in the long run,” he actually said. You do remember the past twenty years you spent running for president, right?
Seriously though, this is one piece of shit bloodthirsty warmonger right here folks. He hasn’t met a country he wouldn’t love to drop a couple of bombs on. Speaking of a couple of bombs, it was nice of the Senator’s daughter Meghan to show up tonight in a sweater. Hi Meghan.
It does look like this attack is going to happen. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says they have the votes across Congress. Man, I haven’t seen Congress take action this decisively and swiftly in a long time. I just wish we could get them to vote on something that actually affects our lives as Americans, like bringing back the McRib! We are so, so fat and indifferent.
Let’s hear it for the American people folks. They’re all here. Welcome, welcome. You know, a lot of people have been passing around an article called “9 questions about Syria you were too afraid to ask.” The first one was “What is a Syria?” The next eight were all “What is twerking.” Haha, I’m not kidding. We really do not care about this shit at all. It’s like the global-politics version of a Mindy Kaling project.