February 22, 2013

Watching the Academy Awards is a weird enough experience, but imagine what it’s probably like to find yourself on the inside of the annual awards ceremony, surrounded by the country’s rich, famous and beautiful in a hermetically sealed bubble of self-importance. With so many desirable people contained in one room, it stands to reason that plenty of them are prowling for the chance to get their sleaze on—which the Academy’s goodie bag crafters are more than happy to indulge. There are a lot of goofy items that appear in the swag bags that every nominee will receive, such as a hefty supply of maple syrup and something called a “Vampire Facelift” that involves transferring one’s blood cells into the skin of their face.

Most notable, though, is the supply of Naked brand condoms they’ll all be receiving—a product that’s billed as “the world’s best and most expensive condoms.” Which, duh; of course the Academy’s best and brightest wouldn’t use just any kind of philistinic dick wrap to protect their precious, genetically blessed seed. According to a detailed breakdown on the Naked site, they’re meant to simulate the feeling of unprotected sex while keeping your kidneys safe from syphilis. Responsible! And also a bit depressing to imagine the high octane boning that you will never, ever know a taste of. But why else would anyone else go to such a garish event?

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