For those who don’t give a damn about sports (to give you some idea of what kind of person I am, I just had to google whether Super Bowl is one or two words), The Super Bowl Halftime Show (now that’s one word, I’m sure of it) is a brief respite in an otherwise boring evening we feel culturally obligated to partake in. Unfortunately, this year that logic does not apply, as the Halftime headliner is Coldplay.
Listen, I get that it’s “cool” and probably pretty played out to hate on Coldplay because they’re basically the lamest band in the universe, but I’m not hating on Coldplay in a blanket statement sort of way here. I’m hating on Coldplay in a very specific Coldplay Headlining Superbowl Halftime sort of way.
Like many red-blooded Americans, I like my Superbowl Halftime Show with a little pizzazz. Maybe there’s a dance number. Perhaps a beloved group from the 90s or early 2000s is being reunited. Maybe a classic band from the 70s that’s probably too old to be performing their classics is performing their classics anyway with the help of a couple sexy pop stars.
Sadly no, none of those things are happening. Instead, we’re getting a band that’s definitely super popular (whether or not you hate Coldplay you can’t argue with the sold out stadium shows) but really just a regular ‘ol contemporary band that doesn’t do dance numbers or have long lost members it can reunite with. Coldplay won’t have a left shark or goofy costumes courtesy of the designer du jour. They’re just gonna get up their and play their songs, throw in a Beyoncé or Noel Gallagher or Gwyneth Paltrow cameo (probably – they all feature on the band’s new album, which drops tomorrow) and call it a day.
How us non-football folk are going to survive, I do not know.