What a day in the war against Godless Commies and the ex-Commie Russian oligarchy. If Ronald Reagan won the Cold War, Barack Obama is doing a good job winning round two. But those Commie bastards in North Korea are still fucking with America. Fuckin’ Commies.
Cuba and America to Restore Relations
Wonderful news from the White House! The dumbest policy in the Western Hemisphere–the US embargo of Cuba–is under review. Anyone who has been to Cuba recently knows that the embargo is now mainly just ruining lives, as BULLETT’s photo essay today shows.
This is great for Cubans, Americans and everyone except a few (mostly rich) anti-Castro exiles in South Florida. Both the president and Secretary of State took personal approaches to the rapprochement.
President Obama spoke today:
I was born in 1961 –- just over two years after Fidel Castro took power in Cuba, and just a few months after the Bay of Pigs invasion, which tried to overthrow his regime. Over the next several decades, the relationship between our countries played out against the backdrop of the Cold War, and America’s steadfast opposition to communism. We are separated by just over 90 miles. But year after year, an ideological and economic barrier hardened between our two countries.
To the Cuban people, America extends a hand of friendship. Some of you have looked to us as a source of hope, and we will continue to shine a light of freedom. Others have seen us as a former colonizer intent on controlling your future. José Martí once said, “Liberty is the right of every man to be honest.” Today, I am being honest with you. We can never erase the history between us, but we believe that you should be empowered to live with dignity and self-determination. Cubans have a saying about daily life: “No es facil” –- it’s not easy. Today, the United States wants to be a partner in making the lives of ordinary Cubans a little bit easier, more free, more prosperous.
In the near future, the White House will be sending Secretary of State John Kerry to Cuba. Kerry released this heartwarming statement:
I was a seventeen year old kid watching on a black and white television set when I first heard an American President talk of Cuba as an “imprisoned island.” For five and a half decades since, our policy toward Cuba has remained virtually frozen, and done little to promote a prosperous, democratic and stable Cuba.
I look forward to being the first Secretary of State in 60 years to visit Cuba. At President Obama’s request, I have also asked my team to initiate a review of Cuba’s designation as a State Sponsor of Terrorism.
The only way the embargo will actually be lifted is if Cuba makes human rights and democratic reforms. Thus:
America 1, Commies 0
Russia is “So Screwed,” Or is It?
Today, Russia’s “Man of the Year” award went to–obviously–President Vladimir Putin, the same man who is causing his country’s economic downfall. I touched on this yesterday. In short, Western sanctions over Putin’s annexation of Crimea and invasion of Ukraine caused market panic in Moscow. Then oil prices started plummeting. OPEC’s Arab states are pissed at Russia for propping up Syria’s genocidal ruler Bashar Assad, and said at the end of last month they would not lower output. Chaos ensued.
Slate ran a story “Russia is So Screwed” and the WaPost says “Russia is Doomed.” But today was actually better than the previous few. The ruble stabilized a bit after the Bank of Russia unveiled plans to stop the slide by making reserves available.
No matter, the Guardian’s headline put it best: “Russia has just lost the economic war with the west.” Team Obama/EU/OPEC, scoreeeee….
America 2, Commies 0
North Korea Winning War on Sony Pictures Entertainment
Haters doubted that North Korean dictator Kim Jong un was behind the hilarious, embarrassing Sony hack. Now it looks like they actually were. Touche Kim un–ABC News reports from FBI sources:
The primary suspects are members of an elite North Korean cyber-security unit known as “Bureau 121,” the sources also confirmed today.
North Korea was mad that the least funny duo in Hollywood, James Franco and Seth Rogan, had made a movie, The Interview, that climaxed with killing the Dear Leader. This is apparently the geopolitical equivalent of stealing a beat from Diddy–something you don’t do unless you wanna get hit.
Franco and Rogen addressed the situation today on NBC and said absolutely nothing worth quoting. These two actual clowns caused millions in damages and ruined their movie studio’s rep, and don’t even feel bad. And Sony just announced they’re pulling the film’s theatrical release altogether.
America 0, Commies 1 (Editor’s note: not sure this actually bad for the West, most of the people tarred are losers)
South Korea Strikes Back with “It” Cuisine of 2015
South Korea wasn’t going to let their evil neighbor win the propaganda war. Times food critic Pete Wells spends three full pages of the Dining section worshipping Korean food in Queens. The Year of Bulgogi is upon us.
We all win here.