Chris Pratt, better known as the lovable boob Andy Dwyer from Parks and Recreation, has gone and chiseled himself out a nice new set of abdominal muscles. That’s great news for Pratt the human being and potential action star (he’s preparing for a role in Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy), but horrible news for Pratt the sitcom star, and for the show itself. That’s because there is literally nothing less funny than a person with abs. Maybe a vegan, or a Christian, but that’s about it.
Pratt posted this photo of himself on Instagram, saying “Six months no beer. #GOTG Kinda douchey to post this but my brother made me.” Sure he did, dude. I bet that’s exactly what your brother made you do, with your own hand, and phone, and Instagram.
Can’t you see what’s happening here? He’s already crossing over into the realm of the vain, all because of a few well-placed skin-protuberances that are located in an area of his flesh suit that society arbitrarily deems more aesthetically appealing than other potential areas for skin to protrude from. The funniest people in the world are the ones who hate themselves so much that they’re unqualified to do anything else but spend a life in the pursuit of the sound of laughter, to help lessen, if only for a few brief moments at a time, the persistent clawing of existential despair that threatens to topple them over with grief at any second. When you constantly have people telling you how handsome and healthy and attractive you are, you don’t need to go after the temporary, ultimately hollow stay of execution from contemplation of the void that arrives in the form of someone else’s mirth, because you already have all the validation you need. Coincidentally, self-loathing and the annihilation motive are also the primary factors behind dudes who work out too much, but once you start channeling that negative energy into one pursuit, it detracts from your allegiance to the other. That’s why there has never once been a funny athlete in the history of professional sports, at least not until they’re over the hill and have to start looking for other ways to get attention, a la Charles Barkley.
We may trick ourselves into thinking someone who is already attractive is funny, which explains half of the funniest people on Twitter‘s popularity, but that’s only because we can convince ourselves of some suuuuuper weird shit when it comes to matters of the peen and vag. Consider, you know, every single thing you’ve ever done to get laid for evidence.
Think about the funniest comedians ever: nasty, crinkle-jowled trolls, or galumphing tidal waves of blubber, each more horrifyingly unfuckable than the last. Sometimes they’re both, as in the case of the latest Platonic ideal of The Comedian, Louis C.K. On the other end of the spectrum you’ve got Carrot Top and Dane Cook.
While there are plenty of examples of funny enough guys who are handsome, (television and film wouldn’t exist otherwise), there’s a very fine line. Every time a funny dude moves past the point of no return gym-wise, he starts to lose his comedy fast ball. Ryan Reynolds was a funny actor at one point, and look what happened to him. Jim Carrey started getting in shape a while back, and now he’s literally fucking insane and hasn’t been in a funny movie in decades. Brad Pitt has been occasionally funny over the years, but that was the exception that proved the rule. We were laughing at his characters specifically because of the incongruity of such a perfect specimen acting like a goof ball. Even worse is when actors start taking themselves too seriously once they get their abs. Ben Affleck from the Good Will Hunting days would’ve punched Ben Affleck from The Town in the balls and called him a fag for that pull-ups scene.
In other words, guys with abs have it too good to be funny anymore. Carlin had an old bit about exercising. “I’m not into working out,” he said. “My philosophy is no pain, no pain.” The inverse is also true, however. No pain, no pleasure.