As this whole Chick-fil-A scandal has reminded us, there’s nothing funny about culturally entrenched homophobia—except the part where it’s an insane learned behavior passed down by generations of idiots based on a magic book that they haven’t even bothered reading. But other than that, pretty grim stuff. That said, some reactions to the story have been funnier than others.
Conan brought back his Chaz the Intolerant Chicken sketch last night, who reminded us, “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” and that at the magical fried chicken chain, it’s “Cock-a-doodle-doo, not do-a-doodle-cock.” Hard to argue with things that rhyme, I’ve always said. One of the three main pillars of logic.
WASHINGTON – American neo-Nazis and some top black conservatives have found rare common ground—over Chick-fil-A’s stand against gay marriage.
The two sides rallied around “Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day,” during which patrons — and protester— swarmed restaurants Wednesday in response to the company’s support for “the Biblical definition of the family unit.”
And no round up of comedy would be complete without checking in with Sarah Palin, herself the Sarah Palin of the stand up circuit, who said Chick-fil-A was being crucified on Fox News.
“Well, that calling for the boycott is a real — has a chilling effect on our 1st Amendment rights,” Palin told Fox News’ Greta Van Susteren. “And the owner of the Chick-fil-A business had merely voiced his personal opinion about supporting traditional definition of marriage, one boy, one girl, falling in love, getting married. And having voiced support for kind of that cornerstone of all civilization and all religions since the beginning of time, he then basically [is] getting crucified.”
All of those pale in comparison, however, to this piece from Andy Borowitz in The New Yorker (Come on, The New Yorker? That can’t be right…*rifles through papers*), literally the least funny thing I’ve ever read about homophobic chicken stores, or anything else for that matter up to and including this very post I’m writing.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Customers across the nation who turned out for Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day were in for a surprise, as the chicken restaurant chose today to launch a new product, Hate Sauce.
Delighted customers mobbed the restaurants to try the zesty new sauce, with many chicken fanciers ordering their sandwiches with extra hate. “It’s so spicy it makes your mouth feel like it’s on fire—like a gay couple in hell,” said Harland Dorrinson, who sampled the sauce at a Chick-fil-A in Orlando.
It gets worse from there.
I’ve heard more people make the argument that homosexuality is a choice, and that people can be cured of it if they want to more times in the last week than I ever have in my life. Obviously that’s ridiculous. But I never thought I’d find a convincing argument against a more intractable truth, one that showed that any single writer in the world could be cured of his own natural, unstoppable, lifelong urges: aspiring to write for The New Yorker. This may have done the trick.