February 27, 2012

As Courtney Shayne, queen bee of the flawless four in the Heathers-indebted 1999 film Jawbreaker, Rose McGowan rules the halls of her high school in spaghetti straps and floral chokers. Or at least she did until she was ousted for killing her best friend, Liz, whose seventeenth birthday was cut short when she choked on a piece of hard candy. According to the 38-year-old actor, who’s played enduring characters in iconic films such as The Doom Generation, Scream, and Planet Terror, Courtney turned out (and still looks) totally fine—even when she’s forced to wear an inmate orange.
I still don’t know what all the fuss is about. I mean, sure, I may have killed Liz, the teen dream, but they still haven’t dealt with it. My caseworker-slash-psychologist at The Hopkins Center for Mental Rehabilitation says that I haven’t let myself feel the guilt. Guilt? What guilt? It was a prank. It’s not my fault Liz was a jawbreaker virgin.

My doctor talks and talks, but I can’t focus on anything other than her awful tadpole eyebrows. I could make her so much hotter if she’d only give me some tweezers. Thank god my eyebrows are naturally arched. What with my perfect skin, breasts, and ass, it is, admittedly, a pretty perch I sit on.
I am trying to be more empathetic to those less fortunate than me. I’m sorry—truly sorry—that there are lesser beings. See? Empathy. My doctor would be proud of me. Excuse me? I didn’t invite you to share my air or sit at my table. Off. Now. Sorry, Big Bertha is so annoying. Do I look like someone who’d have a weight-challenged lady-in-waiting?

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah—lesser beings. While I’ve been away, so many people have copied my hallway strut. So irritating. But what those bitches don’t realize is that no one can duplicate Miss Courtney Alice Shayne’s swagger. When I was arrested and led into the courthouse, I owned those leg shackles. Everyone said so.
If there’s anything I’ve learned while being in custody, it’s that I can wear any color. You might have been worried that my orange jumpsuit wouldn’t suit my skin tone, but I still look flawless. My guard, Alessandro, says so every night.

Damn, it’s time for arts and crafts. Like yarn is my thing. Let me leave you all with this: Rule, bitches, but don’t forget who made you.

XXO, Courtney

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