Culture

Celebrate Courtney Stodden’s 18th Birthday With a Shame Boner

Culture

Celebrate Courtney Stodden’s 18th Birthday With a Shame Boner

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Congratulations and well wishes are in order today for Courtney Stodden—aka Honey Boo Boo in the future—the glowing, meat-based orb of the universe’s collected shame energy, for reaching the age of 18 without somehow having a dangling piano drop on her head. “It’s been an adventurous ride so far, that’s for sure,” Courtney told E Online about her time in the spotlight married to shiny-faced alien in a human skin suit and sometimes actor Doug Hutchinson. “It has been the most beautiful time of my life and there’s more to come.” If you know what I mean.

For his part, Hutchinson seems happy as well, if a bit confused about how birthdays work, saying “one of the many reasons why I love and admire my wife is that she didn’t ask for bling on her landmark 18th birthday. She didn’t ask for expensive clothes or shoes, a flashy party, an extravagant vacation, a luxurious car or to be taken out on the town.” Like a normal 18 year old would.

She’s not really that young, the nation’s skeptics have been saying for years. You can’t pull a fast one on us. Perhaps not, I suppose we don’t really know for sure. But tell me this: is there any possible set of circumstances in the universe, where a woman who regularly posts videos like these wouldn’t already be posing naked for the first smut magnate to fumble his check book out of the same pocket where he keeps his gray chubby? I think not. Case closed.

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