Kids grow up so fast these days, with the iPhones and the credit cards for the buying of iPhones, and the hyper-sexualized consumer culture we’ve indoctrinated them into so they can send all those pornographic sexts about all their iPhone sex parties. But one area we haven’t managed to fully incorporate into the new children consumer model is the true summer music festival experience. That’s where the Camplified Tour, going on at a probably pretty weird place near you this summer, comes in. Beginning in July, the tour, featuring the kid-friendly, (aka horrible and obnoxious) pop stylings of acts like Blush and Payton Rae, lands at 38 summer camps around the country, which, to be honest, sounds a lot cooler than my summer camp memories, most of which revolve around pooping near a tree and crying myself to sleep in a nest of mosquitoes.
Embraced by Billboard as “Lollapalooza for the Justin Bieber-loving crowd” and declared “a highly anticipated event’ by the New York Times,” which is the most convincing pull quote I’ve seen in a while, Camplified “will bring over 20 talented and emerging artists to campers between the ages of 6 and 17, many of whom will be experiencing their first-ever rock concert – in style.” SWAG, they forgot to add.
Why would they do this, you ask? Is it all about the love of music? Haha, of course not! “True to the All Access passes every camper receives, artists not only perform in a 90-minute concert at each camp, but also join campers off stage in sponsor-branded activities throughout the day.” Super cool guys, let’s all go definitely skateboard over to the #1 Good Cola tent to buy some branded products.
There’s more though. “The Camplified 2012 Tour is the gateway to a new dimension that will rewrite the traditional boundaries in which Camplified has already rocked a generation of campers in its first decade.” Wait, what? Gateway to a new dimension? This thing just got a whole lot weirder, fast. Tripping balls is a right of passage for the summer concert experience, and come to think of it, the way we’ve got these kids pilled up on anxiety meds and speed, this might actually be an easier place to score drugs than your typical summer festival. See you there. It’ll be like taking drugs from a baby—drugs that we convinced our doctors to prescribe them in the first place.