There are all sorts of valuable trueisms about pizza, most of which revolve around its relationship to sex. Pizza is like sex: it’s gross when anyone over 25 has it, for example. Or, pizza is like sex: it’s always disgusting in Chicago.
The most reliable and well known of these is, of course, pizza is like sex: even when it’s bad it’s good.
While that is pretty true, just as all pizza is not created equally, all specific bites of pizza are not created equally. The experience of eating pizza isn’t one homogeneous, flattened-out journey. It’s a story, rather, with crests and valleys, and a thrilling denouement. Come to think of it, pizza is like life: it starts out small, gets good in the middle, then ends tragically in bloated regret. But which specific bites of a slice of pizza are the best? Here’s the definitive, inarguable ranking.
5) This bite might as well not even exist. It’s an obligatory step one has to get out of the way before you can really get started, essentially like clipping off the end of the pizza cigar.
4) The quality of a crust bite will vary depending on the quality of the crust, of course, but let’s face it, by the time you’ve gotten to the crust you’re really just coasting on distant memories of pizza gone by. It’s an abrupt shift from eating bread covered in delicious cheese and sauce to simply eating bread. All done with your dinner there? Get ready for some hardened bread for dessert.
3) This is pizza in the prime of its life. It’s still got most of its shape and body it had when it was young, most of its toppings haven’t fallen out yet, but it’s when you’re opening back up after the fold, and anything is going to seem like a let down after that.
2) Fold town mother fuckers. Here’s where your first chance to fold the slice in half comes in, and it’s like eating two slices of pizza at once. A sandwich of pizza made out of pizza. Hard to beat.
1) Except with this biting quadrant here. This is where you get the best of both worlds, the gooey, decadent cheese, and the most concentrated bite of sauce, plus hints of crust to come. The fact that you know this signifies the end of the line, that you may not ever get another chance to eat this slice of pizza, or any slice ever maybe, makes it a bittersweet climax, but one that is imbued with all of the joy of the experience you took getting here.