December 4, 2012

Because Beyonce cuts such a striking, regal figure as arguably the most singular pop star working today and because she’s actually married to Jay-Z, the mysteries of her inner life have always been subject of much Internet squealing, if you’ll remember all the hubbub when her Tumblr went live earlier this year. The natural thing to take us further along that path would be a documentary, which is why the singer will star as the subject of Beyonce, an HBO production coming in February and directed by none other than… Beyonce. The goofiness of Beyonce directing a documentary about Beyonce called Beyonce should speak for itself, but in case it’s taking a little time, just stare into a mirror and whisper “Beyonce” over and over until you collapse into a fit of giggles. (Or maybe not, because you’re an adult.)

Anyways, there’s also a 30-second trailer for the movie, which shows the personal touch only she could add. Such as: Beyonce sleeps in beds! Beyonce goes to the bathroom sometimes. Beyonce definitely looked pregnant when she was with child, rather than carrying Blue Ivy in some separate hyperdimensional pocket so that her well-photographed figure would never lose its impossible contours. There’s so much to learn, it seems. It premieres on HBO on February 16, 2013, so start bugging your friends for their HBO Go passwords before it’s too late and you’ve got to follow it on Twitter like the rest of the other cable-less saps. A few other things that we’d like to find out about when it drops:

1. What does Beyonce actually eat, if anything? Long ago, she said her diet consisted of tomato slices and cucumber. That seems like a frankly terrifying and insane way to live, but it would be interesting to see if her palate has expanded as she’s gotten older; I can’t really picture her tearing into a Big Mac or anything, but maybe there’s a surprise to be had.

2. Does she dress herself, or do birds drape each garment over her body because she’s the mother of all things good and true?

3. Did her and Jay-Z ever get revenge on the errant websites who initially reported their daughter’s name as Ivy Blue, rather than Blue Ivy? Because Ivy Blue is definitely more basic than the alternative.

4. Be honest: Kanye is sort of a weird friend, isn’t he?

5. Which goes along with the obvious hope that we’ll see a smidgen of shade getting thrown at Kim Kardashian’s way, for even deigning to bring her fucked up traveling horror show into Beyonce’s realm.

6. This is sort of mundane, I guess, though the most straightforward and least inane. (I do want to know about those birds, though.) But is that Destiny’s Child reunion ever going to happen?

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