Music

Beyoncé Does Not Star in Madonna’s ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ Video

Music

Beyoncé Does Not Star in Madonna’s ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’ Video

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In a desperate attempt to stay relevant and cutting edge à la Taylor Swift, Madonna teased her star-studded music video for “Bitch I’m Madonna” via movie poster yesterday. The poster boasted that the video is “starring” such major names as Beyoncé, Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus (and notably less major name Rita Ora).

Madonna may have overstated Beyoncé and company’s involvement. In fact, even “cameo” seems too strong a word. These celebs flash on the screen for under 2 seconds and mouth the words “Bitch I’m Madonna” (which doesn’t even make sense because they’re, like, totally not Madonna. And after this sorry excuse for a music video, I doubt they’d want to be). The biggest names weren’t even onset for the shoot – they’re simply spliced in at random moments.

Some less famous but somewhat famous people, like Diplo, Alexander Wang and Jon Kortajarena, that super hot male model who has a cameo in A Single Man (this is a scenario in which the word cameo seems appropriate) were shot in the same room as Madonna. Strangely enough, Chris Rock makes an appearance as well. Did they just send an open email to a bunch of famous people and accept whoever had a free afternoon?

But no cameo is as hilariously unsatisfying as Kanye West’s. He’s onscreen for about the same amount of time as LeBron James’ dick was on live TV last week.

By now you’re likely tired of hearing my long-winded description of Madonna’s shitty music video and you’re ready to watch the damn thing. Well you can’t, unless you’re one of the folks who signed up for Jay-Z’s elitist music streaming service, Tidal. Madonna is totally onboard because she doesn’t have enough money already. No, I don’t have Tidal (ew, imagine I did); I saw the vid via an illegal link that has since been removed.

Anyways, here’s a short “behind the scenes” teaser that starts with Madonna writhing around and touching herself. You have been warned.