Benedict Cumberbatch is off the market! He’s been taken off the shelves, and will no longer be restocked.
It’s a common refrain from news outlets around the world at the moment, as the news of the Sherlock star’s impending nuptials to actress Sophie Hunter is spreading.
Benedict Cumberbatch Is Off the Market http://t.co/QsKeJA7Tpq
— Hollywood Reporter (@THR) November 5, 2014
Implicit in that phrasing of the news is the other most common cliche when talking about a celebrity getting married, the condolences to fans.
— BlackBook Magazine (@BlackBook) November 5, 2014
Sorry. I’m so sorry to break this news to you. You, who wanted so very much to have been the one to marry the handsome and famous man, we say.
Sorry, ladies: Benedict Cumberbatch is ENGAGED! http://t.co/Jb0S22zAIN
— E! Online (@eonline) November 5, 2014
Sorry ladies, but Benedict Cumberbatch is officially engaged http://t.co/fSq9gzB7BX
— HuffPostGoodNews (@goodnews) November 5, 2014
It’s especially persistent when it’s someone with such a perpetually-exasperated fanbase as Cumberbatch.
— Daily Mirror (@DailyMirror) November 5, 2014
Hearts around the world, broken in half.
And the internet’s heart breaks! Benedict Cumberbatch is an engaged man: http://t.co/2USmHg0LVR
— CELEBUZZ (@CELEBUZZ) November 5, 2014
It’s a patronizing way of talking to readers, infantile, lust-fogged readers though they may be. It’s also just plain weird. Are there people out there walking around in the world who thought they had a chance of marrying Cumberbatch, or any other of a string of now-married celebrities? Sure, people are dumb, but they’re not that dumb right?
The odds of any single person marrying any other single person are so infinitesimally minute as to not even register statistically. I wouldn’t even know how to do that math it’s so small. The list of things that are more likely to happen to you than getting married to someone you’ve never met, and will never meet, is mind boggling.
Here are some things more likely to happen to you than marrying some guy:
Being struck by lightning.
Getting killed by a horse.
Getting killed by a horse with ebola while getting struck by lightning.
Winning the lottery.
Finding an interesting Lena Dunham think piece online.
It was never going to happen is all I’m saying, so why do we continue to phrase it in this context every single time? Probably because if there’s one thing we in the media love even more than Cumberbatch fans love their hero, it’s cliches. In fact, we love them so much we should probably marry them. Take them right off the market.