Donald Trump is president—nothing is really that shocking anymore. Or at least, that’s what I thought until I heard this: A lot of people actually want to fuck Siri. I mean, I know guys are weird and the idea of a machine that literally exists to answer your beck and call, probably gives a bunch of misogynistic dudes a giant boner. But according to a new study, it’s not just them. Out of 1,0001—no answer as to why they added that extra person, but whatevs—smartphone users, more than 25% admitted to having sexual fantasies about their phone’s digital helpers. Poor Alexa—she’s definitely not as popular Siri, and now she’s become a glorified spank bank. Even Robin, who no one’s ever heard of but is apparently the virtual assistant for software company, Robin Labs, is used for dirty talk over 300 times a day.
This raises a lot of important questions. Like, can a phone truly consent? And more importantly, are we really this desperate? I mean, I know there was a kid who murdered his girlfriend and then asked Siri where to bury her body (does that make her his accomplice?), but I feel like this is worse. Or maybe I’m just prude. I’ve never even used Siri, but I feel like she’s there for things like, calling your grandma while you’re driving, or looking up what time the new Real Housewives is on—not to turn you on. Maybe I’m just behind the times, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the right kind of phone sex. Or is it? There’s just something about it that gives me the creeps, partly because it feels like a discarded X-Files plotline. But hey, if Joaquin Phoenix is cool with it, I guess I am too.