Alien armies doing battle with gods on Earth. Vampires and zombies rising from the dead. Tom Cruise being able to reach items up on the top shelf. All of these are the types of things we willfully suspend our disbelief over in order to enjoy the magic of cinema. But you have to draw a line somewhere. For unfrozen caveman film critic Jeff Wells, that line stops at the idea that any man would want to engage in intercourse with Amy Schumer.
In his review of [the trailer for!] Schumer’s new Judd Apatow-directed Trainwreck, Wells says it’s time we stop this scourge of less-than-fuckable women appearing in movies all the time.
She’s obviously sharp and clever and funny as far as the woe-is-me, self-deprecating thing goes, but there’s no way she’d be an object of heated romantic interest in the real world. And yet that’s the apparent premise of Apatow’s film. Schumer’s wide facial features reminded me of a blonde Lou Costello around the time of Buck Privates, or Jennifer Aniston‘s somewhat heavier, not-as-lucky sister who watches a lot of TV. Don’t look at me — I’m not the one who made her the star of a film about a plucky, free-spirited girl that a lot of guys want to bang. You know who would be better in a film like this? An actress who’s nicely attractive, has the funnies and the soulful stuff besides? Jenny Slate.
Enough is enough already. For far too long have we, the lotion-fisted male audience, been underserved by Hollywood when it comes to depictions of women on film. I can’t even remember the last time I got a boner in the theater to be honest. Back in the golden age of film, a woman wouldn’t even make it onto a set unless she could prove that no less than 90% of the male public would allow her the privilege of sitting on their gross dicks.
Here’s what Jeff Wells looks like by the way:
And here’s an email he sent years ago to the director of 3:10 to Yuma, begging him for pictures of a nude scene actress Vinessa Shaw appeared in.
And here’s Schumer’s response:
I am a size 6 and have no plans of changing. This is it. Stay on or get off. Kisses! pic.twitter.com/6IsEfFOwAD
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) February 12, 2015