Film & TV

Alison Pill Invented a Youth Regenerator and Tested It on Herself

Film & TV

Alison Pill Invented a Youth Regenerator and Tested It on Herself

“I want to wear Eileen Fisher and clunky jewelry and orthopedic shoes, and I want to nap whenever I feel like it,” says 26-year-old actor Alison Pill, whose embrace of liver spots might come as a surprise to those of us who remember her electric embodiment of the vain, magnetic Zelda Fitzgerald in last year’s Midnight in Paris. But Pill has always projected an old-soul wisdom; in the HBO series In Treatment, she portrayed a terminal cancer patient, and in Milk she was a levelheaded lesbian activist in a maelstrom of high-maintenance men. “I felt like I had to grow into my age,” she says, “and I feel like it’s only in the last couple of years that I’ve finally melded into the age that I am.”

In the coming months, she’ll star in Nero Fiddled, Woody Allen’s love letter to Rome, and in HBO’s Aaron Sorkin–helmed Newsroom, a much-hyped miniseries about a fictional news show. “I’m so in love with her,” Pill says of her character, an associate producer named Maggie Jordan. “Sorkin writes these amazingly funny, super-smart but still clumsy and scattered women.” Then, in September, Pill will take the rather grown-up step of getting married to fellow young lion Jay Baruchel, whom she met on the set of the Canadian hockey flick Goon, also out this year. “My fiancé plays a very foulmouthed public access show host,” Pill says of Baruchel’s part in Goon. “My parents were like, ‘Oh, it’s so nice that your future husband has a mouth like that.’”

When tasked by BULLETT to invent a contraption for today’s youth-obsessed culture, Pill went high concept: a helmet-like creation called the Hebe Youth Regenerator, a nod to Hebe, the Greek goddess of youth. “It’s a device that literally removes memories in order to give the appearance of youth,” she says. “It’s the ultimate face-lift. The price—or the payoff, depending on how you look at it—is a sort of midlife adolescence, where you concern yourself with adolescent issues instead of more grown-up things.”

Since senescence can’t come soon enough for Pill, she hastens to add that the Hebe was conceived with “a heavily ladled dose of irony.” In fact, it was inspired by The Real Housewives… reality series. “My sister loves The Real Housewives… and she got me into watching some of it. I just got to thinking that their conversations are those of people in seventh or eighth grade,” she says. “Nobody knows how to deal with conflict. Nobody knows how to have an adult conversation or how to disagree like an adult. The really shocking thing is that most of them are mothers! What mother steals clothes from her 13-year-old daughter?”

Although she’ll soon tie the knot, Pill doesn’t seem destined to wind up on Bravo looking down the end of an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio—in large part because she’s ready for wrinkles and walkers. “I want to get old,” she says. “I want Jay to be bald and to have a little potbelly. I think it’s going to be adorable.”

HEBE Youth Regenerator™:
What is it? Finally, a revolutionary device called the HEBE Youth Regenerator™ has arrived to save people from feeling and looking old. Even their behavior will match the look of their skin, as lessons learned in the past are erased in place of a second adolescence, even in clients who are 50 and older! At last, moms and daughters can talk as equals, CEOs can relate to and confide in interns, and grandparents can enjoy the music on non-oldies radio. Who needs age, experience, and mentorship when you can have constant adolescence?

How does it work? A metal or plastic helmet with acupuncture-size needles sticking out through it, HEBE Youth Regenerator™ is placed on the head of the patient, and (depending on the severity of the treatment) one to seventy needles may be used in the procedure. These needles, which are equipped with microscopic lasers, are inserted into memory centers in the brain, searching for “youth regenerator memory abrogators.” After “firing” the lasers into the brain, the skin of the individual is noticeably tighter and more youthful.

Potential side effects*: Patients may experience a loss of memories from their youth. The technology literally pinpoints “wrinkle spots” in the brain and erases them, thus allowing a tightening of the skin without surgery. Hebephrenia, a schizophrenic mental disorder: As the client approaches an increasingly youthful look, symptoms may include impairment to daily living (the ability to think and speak clearly, or even shower) and the possibility of hallucinations. The main problem when these delusions or hallucinations arise is that the patient isn’t clear whether or not they’re actual memories.

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