Film & TV

A Trailer for Lindsay Lohan’s New Not-a-Porn Film ‘The Canyons’ Arrives

Film & TV

A Trailer for Lindsay Lohan’s New Not-a-Porn Film ‘The Canyons’ Arrives

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I have a hard time telling what’s real and what’s fake any more, mostly from years of cocaine abuse that has rendered my brain a misfiring lightning storm of confusion and paranoia, so you’ll forgive me for not fully understanding this teaser from the long-rumored but obviously never going to happen Lindsay Lohan film The Canyons. [True story, “the canyons” is actually how Lohan refers to her nostrils.]

Is this, uh, for lack of a better, word…thing, what the movie is actually going to be? A grindhouse Tarantino short with a winking sense of humor?  Because that sounds a lot better than what I’ve always imagined it to be: a porno without the fucking, and that’s not just because Lohan’s co-star is an actual porn star, the probably-regretting that ironic name choice now that he might be in real movies fellow by the name of James Deen. No, actually. It’s just a stylistic homage for the trailer, as the video says.  “This teaser was made to resemble thrillers from the 1970s. Two more teasers made to resemble 1950s melodrama and 1930s comedy will be delivered soon.”

Oh good.

The talent assembled for the film, including scriptwriter Bret Easton Ellis and director Paul Schrader, who penned Taxi Driver, gives me hope that maybe this won’t actually be the disaster that it looks like, but it’s probably important to keep in mind that the success or failure of the movie literally has no effect on any of our day to day lives—unless you’re reading this Lindsay, in which case: hi! Call me?—so we should probably go find something else to worry about.

 

@lukeoneil47