1. Lindsay Lohan is still crazy, apparently. But also sad. So there was an 8,000-word tell-all in the New York Times this week which revealed, among other things, that James Deen has no friends and Bret Easton Ellis is still awful (if any of us weren’t already swayed by his 14-year-old-girl tantrum of a Twitter account). But the crux of the story is that LiLo is as delusional, self-destructive, and occasionally brilliant as we thought she was. As with most pieces on the starlet, it read like the beginning of a highbrow obituary, and confirmed to us the deep sadness we always felt while mocking her. She was born into relatively terrible circumstances, and cannot get out of her own way. But like a fresh piece of meat to a starving group of piranhas, giving this article to the internet was a surefire way to get everyone back into the conversation about how terrible she is, a conversation which we should all feel like Very Bad People for having.
2. Girls is coming back (!!!!!!!!) If you weren’t already made aware by a publicity campaign which is so pervasive as to border on the surreal, or the New York Post article which added a healthy dose of gasoline to what was already a blazing fire of self-righteousness by essentially calling Lena Dunham fat over and over instead of reviewing her show, Girls is coming back this week. There are posters, there are viral campaigns, there are interviews— and it would all seem new and possibly even enticing, if we hadn’t been browbeaten into a bloody pulp by Dunham-centric media in the hiatus between the two seasons. Every time we log onto our social media, or check our email, or step out our front door, it is as though we are slapped in the face by something either pro- or anti- her very specific personal brand of being ~different~. It is almost difficult to notice when all the hype is actually pushing something, but this week it was, and the internet was only too happy to argue about it.
3. Beyoncé is also crazy, and on the cover of GQ. Apparently Bey pays someone what is likely an egregious sum of money to follow her around 16 hours a day and document her every waking moment. She lives in a world where this is acceptable, and not one of the undoubtedly more benign signs of a horrible, festering mental illness. She also looked sexy on the cover, and people got angry for her looking too good post-baby, because people are petty and shallow and awful. I assume this kind of criticism is at least slightly preferable to being tarred-and-feathered as a gross fatass for daring to have a single stretch mark or pocket of fat after pushing another human being out of your vagina, but one can only speculate.
4. Kate Middleton has a portrait, and it’s bad. It appears that Kate Middleton took a break in her packed schedule of growing a fetus more wealthy and powerful in utero than any of us will ever hope to be in our adult lives to sit down for a portrait. And if we get over the initial wave of “Ugh, actual tax dollars are going into this dog-and-pony show of a national tradition, can these blue-blooded harpies stop sucking free money out of their country’s pockets for five seconds and do something constructive,” it’s actually a terrible portrait. She looks strangely old and powdery, almost as if the portrait was found under several centuries’ worth of particularly unflattering dust. And, of course, the internet was all a-titter over how awful it was, and how embarrassing for the royal family, and isn’t this such a wonderful diversion, and can’t wait to preemptively ruin that unborn child’s hope for a normal life by treating its mother like a circus freak undeserving of a moment’s privacy. While we’re at it, let’s go photograph her breasts again from two kilometers away and then call her a “slut.”
5. Elizabeth Wurtzel is also crazy, and thinks stay-at-home moms are prostitutes. “I believe women who are supported by men are prostitutes, that is that, and I am heartbroken to live through a time where Wall Street money means these women are not treated with due disdain.” That is a sentence that got written on the internet for all the world to read, by a woman who once wrote a popular novel. It is a thing that a grown woman in her forties actually said about the world, and we have to live with that. That sentence exists. I think we can all individually blame ourselves for that sentence existing—as we are the ones who rewarded its printing with absurd amounts of social media attention. We are awful and should be ashamed.