1. The Golden Globes happened. Hey, did you know that Lena Dunham won awards and people had really strong reactions about it? That she was either the most deserving human to ever spring forth from the loins of a mere mortal not conceived immaculately, or a she-devil whose purpose in life is to torture us with her naked body and exploit her connections to foist her talentless mediocre white girl syndrome upon society at large? Just kidding, of course you did, you’ve been on the internet and that is literally the only thing the internet is capable of writing about. Also, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were predictably fabulous, and the subjects of many blogosphere massages, complete with happy endings — but that’s to be expected, the internet loves those two.
2. Jodie Foster!!!!! It would be impossible not to discuss the Globes, however, without discussing the rambling, incoherent speech delivered by Jodie Foster which was apparently intended to convey that she was gay, over 50, and heavily invested in her privacy. Of course, this was the opportunity for debates and articles and finger-pointing, either accusing her of being some kind of LBGT-betraying monster for not having come out before/making such a big deal of it, or a hero who should be dipped in liquid gold for her courage or her humor. Either way, we’ll always have one of the strangest awards speeches of all time to look back on when we’re in a mid-afternoon lull at work.
3. James Franco & The Spring Breakers trailer. To honor the occasion of his turn in Harmony Korine’s new Disney Girl Gone Bad-feature, James Franco has once again descended from the heavens to show us how weird he can be. He is wearing cornrows, and speaking in an absurd southern accent, and wearing god-awful short-sleeve button-downs, and generally being the human equivalent of a warm, flat can of 4Loko. He has shown yet another layer in his already onion-like sphere of varying talents and personas, and will likely go on from this to do something deeply intellectual and painful. In the meantime, we all want to watch this movie now, despite how absurd we know it will be. I guess Franco wins again.
4. The Manti Te’o hoax. So it appears that even college athletes whose stars are rising so fast it makes you feel inadequate just seeing them pop up on your computer screen are not immune from random people convincing them that they’re a hot young girl via the internet. Though one would imagine that, as the star linebacker for Notre Dame, the man would not be in such short supply of potential lovers that he has to turn to the 2013 equivalent of Myspace to find someone to soothe his furrowed brow, but I suppose we all take love where we can get it. In any case, this was an opportunity for the guy behind Catfish to get his name out there on every possible news outlet by giving his two cents on the issue.
5. Facebook losing popularity. Much like the insane conspiracy theorists living in trailers in the Nevada desert spent their time online blogging about the upcoming end of the world in late 2012, tech outlets are talking about the semi-significant decrease of UK users on Facebook as the beginning of the end for the high-pressure, publicly traded social network. Ignoring the obvious undertones of “Fuck Mark Zuckerberg, let’s hope he goes down in flames” schadenfreude, it seems a bit early to be beating the drums about how this site is destined to go the way of the Friendster. While it could very well be that their most lucrative days are behind them, mere speculation is more than enough to keep the internet gossip machine churning about how King Zuckerberg cannot sit on his diamond-encrusted flame forever.