1. New Year’s Resolutions: As with every year, now is the time where everyone talks about what they’re going to be doing this year. There were the usual ones — eating less, working out more, etc — but then there were the ones which, despite being just as common, always come with a touch of absurdity. Your new-agey aunt was on Facebook going on about how she’s going to be a “better person” this year, as though that were the kind of decision that one person could make arbitrarily and magically sustain along the course of an entire year. Of course, as with most of her absurdly positive Facebook posts, you were able to ignore it. And there were also the more pertinent resolutions, such as cleaning out one’s email inbox (speaking as someone who has about 7,000 unread mails in her personal Gmail, I can get behind this), or being a less-controversial person on Twitter. Whatever you decided on for yourself, though, you can be sure that it was immediately lost in the middle of the slush pile of a million people making cheesy jokes about resolutions in general on their various social media accounts. It’s not like you were going to keep it anyway.
2. Django Unchained: This movie proved, aside from the usual excuse for Tarantino fanboys to ejaculate all over themselves, an opportunity for people to sound off about every topic they could get their grubby internet hands on. People were talking about race (everyone should do themselves the favor of reading Rembert Browne’s piece on the film over at Grantland if they haven’t already, by the by), they were talking about violence (and comparing it to Sandy Hook, because people are incredibly classy), they were even talking about Leonardo DiCaprio’s alleged hand injury during shooting which proves just how ~authentic~ an actor he is. It must be said though that, no matter how many articles are written up on how many lengths he will go to overcome his pretty-boy beginnings to become the male Meryl Streep, he’s just not going to win his Oscar. Not as long as Daniel Day-Lewis is looming over him with his self-righteous haircut of thespian integrity.
3. Kimye’s Pregnancy: As much as it pains me to give even a microsecond of attention to this baby which is clearly being brought into the world as some incredibly labor-intensive publicity stunt, I must say that I wish them all the best. We can only hope that the child happens to take after his father’s undeniable talents, and dodges the genetic bullet which is having two parents who are almost too obsessed with themselves, respectively, to function as human beings. And there are the obvious respects to be paid towards the altar of the PR gods who have so generously provided bloggers, comedians, and humor writers a highly harvestable source of things to talk about for the next few years. Especially considering how much leeway we have given ourselves as a society when talking about anything associated with the Kardashians (because we are able to self-justify by saying that they are actively seeking out this level of invasiveness in their lives), it appears we may be on the brink of a Suri-level child-star-birth-pocalypse. Remains to be seen.
4. Steubenville Rape Case: Just when you thought humanity couldn’t get any worse, a video was leaked of a few high school sports starts making an egregiously long home video ruthlessly mocking a rape victim from their school. Repeatedly referring to her as “dead,” and, at one point, “deader than Trayvon Martin (because they were not yet classy enough), they displayed that no amount of k-12 education could prepare them to be decent human beings when something terrible befalls one of their peers. While it may be hardly surprising to see that the popular, privileged jocks of a school could be human anal polyps when it comes to something as sensitive and objectively terrible as this, it never gets any less offensive to see captured on video. Let’s all hold hands and pray that this follows them around for as long as it takes for them to stop being awful people.
5. The Fiscal Cliff: There was some horrible thing that might happen, and congress was screaming at each other about it for a few weeks, and the foreign press were all generally mocking us, as is their MO, and then it was avoided at the last minute. That’s literally all you’re required to know by law. Any more detailed thoughts on the subject and you’ll be considered a pompous asshole. We’re clearly not here for details.