In the latest charming display of corporate crotch fondling comes a report from WWD that a Jay Z for Barneys collaboration might become a reality. After a $150 plain white “Hip-Hop” t-shirt from the inexplicably coveted Kanye x APC collection sold out recently, we are waiting with bated breath for Hov’s sure-to-be magnificent wares, licensed from only the finest companies overseas. Shit, he didn’t even do the obligatory “humble” internship first. In a related story, stitches no longer appear to be reserved for snitches.
See our EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW below (hint for those on a low oxygen ration: I made it all up) of these 5 items from the Jay Z for Barneys collaboration. Get a free rebate on your own wretched soul when you use discount code “illuminati” at checkout, after selecting your new eternal Samsung plan.
The “Business, Man” Snapback
Technically businesses should be made of people and not vice versa, but if you’re going to trumpet this warped philosophy of consumerist deification, you might as well do it with our DOPE ASS SNAPBACK! Can I get a… here or what? Sponsored by Samsung.
This “Blueprint”-inspired denim may LOOK plain, but if you sag them enough you can join the hip-hop greats in their quest to find the right Samsung plan for their monthly data and voice needs. Also, is it possible to sue Ginuwine for “In Those Jeans“? Because use of the word “jeans” in that context may dilute recognition of our product in the future. Killing this GAP GAME one pair at a time. Pockets sized perfectly for Samsung phones.
The “Money Ain’t A Thing” Wallet
Early focus groups indicated that playing a sound of Jay Z laughing every time you opened it wasn’t a popular feature with users, so it’s just a plain old wallet. If you buy it, you will totally get rich like Jigga. Keep telling yourself this, because it helps you sleep at night. Make sure you put your Samsung cellular device on vibrate for maximum rest.
The Pet Roc
Since people will buy fucking anything endorsed by a celebrity, here’s how the “Pet Roc” works: first, you go outside. Then, you pick up a rock (any one will do). Bring it in to one of our participating retailers, and hand them $50 while you text “Pet Roc” to any friend with a Samsung plan. You will then be handed a receipt which absolves you from adding the “k” to the word rock, therefore making you the illest name on the bloc with your Pet Roc. Holla bac.
The Samsung Phone (additional charges may apply)
Here’s where you show if you’re really “down” or not– you can’t rep properly unless you’re proudly displaying your area code! Plus, how are you gonna know where the hood at if you can’t ask your Samsung-powered GPS?