Cultural Commentator

2016 New Years Resolutions We Should Collectively Strive For

Cultural Commentator

2016 New Years Resolutions We Should Collectively Strive For


With only a day of 2015 remaining, now is a time to reflect on a year that has been anything but uniform. It’s pertinent to enter the new year with clarity and conviction, engage conflict with compassion and seek resolution with unity, and to achieve all of this we must start at an individual level.

Below we’ve compiled together a list of resolutions assured to build character, nourish your spiritual health and promote overall well-being:

– Take bigger risks

– Read bigger books

– Climb bigger mountains (metaphorically)

– Climb bigger mountains (literally)

– Look good wearing yellow

– Sublet the bottom of an abandoned well

– Perform an operatic rendition of your favorite Lady Antebellum song at least once, I mean god damn it’s not much to ask for

– Learn how to tell time on a vintage clock

– Hit the high notes in “Chandelier” without having to find a cockroach in your kitchen

– Pronounce words more organically (i.e., “mature” would be “mah-toor”; “ambience” would be “Gwyneth Paltrow”)

– Singe your eyebrows on a panini press

– Spend an artist residency at a haunted amusement park

– Intern for a sea hag

– Form a vigilante justice league hell-bent on eliminating “mansplaining”

– Cyberbully your microwave

-Cry wolf. You only live once (YOLO). Literally just yell “WOLF” in public areas for no reason at all, fuck it whatever always

– Work a croissant into your everyday look

– Date someone you’re not astrologically compatible with, literally what the fuck ever

– Have sex on a blimp

– Have sex with a Subway sandwich artist

– Have sex in a cranberry bog

– Literally just have sex

– Walk on 47 miles of bubblewrap

– Fist some cottage cheese

– Cheer a little louder when Rachael Ray takes a casserole out of the oven (even if you’re not in the studio audience—let your freak flag fly)

– Eliminate the phrase, “New Year, New Me” from your repertoire