18 New Year’s Resolutions and How to Keep Them


18 New Year’s Resolutions and How to Keep Them


Another year is coiling its way turd-like down the shitter of history, and that means two things: 1) It’s time to hit the town tonight with over-inflated expectations, cramming all of the bad mistakes you made throughout the year into one super obvious metaphor of celebratory futility, pushing and pushing and pushing to manufacture fun, only to be ultimately disappointed and abashed, and 2) It’s our chance to take stock of all the things we hated about ourselves over the past twelve months, and vow to do better this time around, aka lie to ourselves.

For many of you, coming up with a list of things that make you a piece of shit won’t be hard. But for other, stupider people, who need internet lists to help them figure out how to ambulate their goofy insectoid carapaces around the world, you’re going to need some prompts, which is where I come in, the cool guy who knows things. Here then is a list of sure-fire New Year’s resolutions that you can use to make the world, and yourself, a better place next year, and how to pull them off.

Lose weight
Don’t eat so much.

Gain weight
Eat more than you do now.

Quit smoking
Try not smoking. Can’t do it? Don’t worry about it then. What’s the worst that could happen?

Spend less time online
Throw your phone into the garbage.

Travel more
Get a better job where you make more money. Or if that doesn’t work, get a worse job you can quit, next thing you know, free time for days.

Save money
Next time you get your hands on some money, set it aside someplace you won’t be able to find it, and therefore spend it. Months later remember you have it. Nice. Look at all this good money you saved.

Learn a new skill
Find something you want to learn how to do, such as knitting, or yoga, or playing an instrument, and post lots of articles about it to your Facebook page so people know that’s what you’re into now. Quick little end around to the goal you were shooting for anyway without any of the effort.

Run a marathon
Start asking people for donations for your marathon effort today, that way everyone knows you’re running a marathon. By the time the marathon comes around they’ll be so sick of hearing about it they won’t bother to check whether or not you really did it.

Do more dental work
Apply to dental college, which is probably a thing.

Sleep more
Whiskey and xanax.

Find the love of your life
Be more attractive and interesting.

Be less stupid
Chop your own head off and dropkick it into the river.

Start your own website

Be nicer to people
Log off.

Learn more about a specific subject of interest
Log off.

Read more books
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Be less racist
Log off.

Log off more
Log off.