Cultural Commentator

13 Guaranteed Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer

Cultural Commentator

13 Guaranteed Ways to Beat the Heat This Summer


Hooo boy, it’s hot out, you guys. Gonna be around 100 in the northeast today or tomorrow, so that means one thing: you’re on the lookout for ways to beat the heat. You came to the right place. Here are 13 tips from a guy who knows how to do it the right way.


Use sunblock. Make sure to place a strong layer of sunblock on your skin, such as a house with walls and closed windows, at least one of which holds an air conditioning unit. Alternatively, put a healthy lathering of office building you work in around your skin, and tell the co-worker complaining about the temperature setting being too low to shut the fuck up.

Think like desert folk. One trick in steamy desert climates is to hang a wet towel or sheet in front of an open window to filter cooler, drier air into a steamy enclosure. What type of sheet though? It’s called an air conditioning unit, and it costs like $100 at Target.


Blow cold air. Put a tray of ice into a bucket of water and set it in front of a fan. Then leave that MacGuyver shit out for your dog while you go into the other room where the air conditioner is.

Close the windows. Is it hot outside? Close the windows because hot air, although it can kill you, is not like vampires, it can come right into your house whenever it wants.

Break up with your girlfriend. Studies have shown that “having a girlfriend” is one of the top causes of heat stroke in the summer months due to their ridiculous insistence on “feeling the summer air on my skin”, “going outside”, and “getting some sun.”


Don’t go to the beach.  Do you live someplace where the ocean is warm? Probably not, because you’d be in it right now. Everywhere else, like here in the northeast, you need a fucking space suit to go in for a quick dip. So why would you go to the beach, the place that comes into the most direct contact with the sun, where you can sit on a bed of coarse dirt, in order to cool down? You wouldn’t.

Spritz yourself with cold water. Keep a bottle of water in the fridge, and give yourself a few light spritzes on the wrists whenever you get too hot. Then pour the entire bottle down the ass of your pants. Then take your pants off and put on some shorts. Next climb inside the fridge and spritz yourself with the backup cold water bottle thing you keep in there until you suffocate.

Go to the basement. Do you have a basement in your house? Oh, well look at you. You think you’re better than me? Open the door to your basement and place a fan directly at the top of the stairs. Then, later on, when you forgot you put it there, trip over the fan and break your neck falling down the stairs. There’s nowhere colder than the grave. Haha, got you this time, heat.


Wear sunglasses inside. No better way to stay cool imo.

Complain about the heat. It’s well known that the higher number of bodies in an enclosed space, the hotter it’s going to be, due to humans being lukewarm hamburgers, basically, and other people being heating lamps, and your clothes are a paper wrapper, and I guess fingers are french fries? Still working on this analogy. The point is, the more you complain about the heat, the fewer people there will be standing around listening to you talk anymore, and then, voila! Who’s cool now?


Eat an ice cream cone. Nice floppy wand of fatty milk calories usually does the trick.

Set an ice cube on fire. Why not?

Don’t use the oven. The sun can tell when you’re using the oven to cook things, and it gets jealous, comes poking around inside to see what’s up. Next thing you know: more sun in your apartment.

Eat hot foods. Spicier foods, like the chilies in Mexican an Indian cuisine, help make you sweat, yes, but they also give you instant diarrhea, which doesn’t really cool you off, but it’s always funny to poop a lot of water, because it seems like a magic trick.