1. Boy Meets World is coming back (as Girl Meets World), and everyone is losing their mind about it. It seems that the love people have for young-adult shows from the 90s never actually dissipates, only simmers under our collective skin for as long as it takes to be brought up again into the cultural consciousness, so we can all scream at each other about it. (I’m including myself in this statement, of course—I burst into uncontrollable sobs of joy when I saw the news for the first time.) In preparation for the big premiere, I recommend we all get together and put each other’s hair in those hilarious little 90s mini-ponytails all over our head and talk about Feeny being the father figure we never had.
2. …But Shawn won’t be a part of it. Because, well, he’s locked in Rider Strong’s basement.
3. Frasier got a dick tramp stamp. While technically this news was not revealed this week, unless you have a Google alert set to “embarrassing shit Kelsey Grammer has been up to lately,” it’s likely that you didn’t see the news about him getting his lower-abdomen tattoo of his new wife’s name until Camille Grammer hilariously discussed it on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills this week. I’m not much for superstition, but I can’t think of a more concrete kiss of death for a relationship than having your partner’s name permanently etched just above your genitalia at the ripe old age of 57. I guess I’m just old-fashioned.
4. Dr. Dre topped Forbes‘ list of highest-paid musicians. I guess the 856 paris of Beats by Dre headphones you see on the subway on the way to work every morning actually cost real dollars that went into someone’s bank account. I had always just assumed they materialized on the heads of guys with overly-sculpted chin straps who like wearing blazers with sneakers and scowling while they walk.
5. Lindsay Lohan is doing bad things again. Though it’s almost not worth it at this point to discuss the various terrible things that is happening to/because of Lindsay Lohan, assault and battery in a club seems like a step up from the normal complete disregard of driving regulations and failure to show up for her TV movie filming/court appearances. Apparently she was on the tail-end of a vodka bender when she punched another woman in the face in the view of many witnesses, who I imagine were unable to control their painful erections upon realizing how much they could sell their stories to TMZ for. I suppose there’s really nothing to say about this, other than I hope she gets better and finds help, but given the Disney star trajectory so perfectly embodied by the husk of a child star fossilized in amber that is Kim Richards, it is likely that LiLo has miles to go before she sleeps.
6. Halle Berry’s life apparently consists of hot Francophone dudes brawling over her. I don’t know what percentage of your soul you have to sell to the devil to get the perfect-looking French dude from Unfaithful to beat the gorgeous Quebecois model from the Hugo Boss ads into a Jared Leto-in-Fight Club esque-pulp, but I am ready to put my quill to that contract. I don’t really need to know the specifics behind this fight, only that we should all be setting up small altars in our bedrooms to Ms. Berry so that she may one day bestow upon us mortals her secrets stolen from high atop Mount Olympus.
7. Nicki Minaj called Steven Tyler racist and he insists, “But… no, tho.” Or something to that effect. The idea is that apparently American Idol is still a show on which people do things, such as singing, and criticizing that singing. It also seems to have become something of a Roman colosseum for Nicki Minaj to work herself into a fluorescent-pink froth over the perceived injustices of her fellow and former panel members. First it was Mariah Carey, and now it seems to be Steven Tyler over his admittedly-unfortunate comment about how she “would have sent Bob Dylan to a cornfield.” Though to be fair, given that Steven Tyler’s overall appearance and strange need to be relevant is giving him the aura of a rotisserie chicken that has been left on the spit for several hours too long, I would say that a fight with such a high-profile young thing may actually fall into the “rejuvenating” category for him.
8. Courney Stodden not going to do porn, according to her mother. Because signing a waiver allowing your daughter to get married at 16 to a man in his 50s so that she could appear on ever-dingier reality shows and use up her right to a semi-normal adolescence the way some people go through toilet paper for a bit of D-list fame and cash is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice—but the line is drawn at porn. The line is always drawn at porn.
9. Demi Moore has a hot, young new boyfriend. And you know what? Fucking good for her. I am not going to sit here and berate a hot older woman for choosing to frolic around LA with a dude that’s significantly younger than her when we are perfectly content as a society to let similar autumn-spring relationships go unchecked when the man is older, even when he looks like a dried-up fig with a beer gut. She can do whatever the fuck she wants, and I hope she’s having a lot of really incredible sex and feeling awesome about herself because she is beautiful, and she should. And anyone who gets off on shaming her when they don’t care that Jeff Goldblum is in a constant state of public nudity with one of his 22-year-old child brides (OF WHOM I AM SO JEALOUS), can go cry in their corner over all the ass she is definitely getting in spite of your judgment.
10. Matthew McConaughey has lost egregious amounts of weight for some role, and the jealous part of my brain that hates how beautiful celebrities always are is semi-pumped to know that someone so hot just ends up looking like Sid from the Ice Age movies after a certain amount of weight loss. God is truly just.